


The Journey to finding us again

by JohnDoe221B



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Canon Compliant, Car Accidents, Feelings, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Minor Character Death, Sad, Suicide Attempt, hurting, i used the word cock..., maybe a little smut? but just a tiny bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 00:53:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7955770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnDoe221B/pseuds/JohnDoe221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He lazily pointed up, Alex following his motion. “See the birds there?” She hummed in acknowledgement. “I know exactly how they feel. They love being in the sky. They enjoy being on top of the world. But sometimes it gets too much. There is too much force they can’t control. Instead they are being controlled. Something keeps tossing them around. They fight it. But eventually they have used up all the energy they had. And that’s the point where they don’t have a choice. They have to obey. “ </p><p>Or</p><p>Harry and Louis need to find a way back to each other. It is more difficult than expected, even though they have a lot of help from their friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly: A massive thanks to my amazing beta pinky_heaven19, without you I would have stopped after the second chapter and never looked at this fic again. And sorry for being kinda annoying during the process. 
> 
> Secondly: This is my fist multi chapter story and I’m very angsty about it. I often get lost in my thoughts so it might be a bit confusing here and there. 
> 
> The two original characters are heavily involved, so if that’s not your thing…
> 
> And yes I’m aware that I used a lot of metaphors. That’s my thing I guess. Sorry! 
> 
> Giving the fact that pretty much no one reads this, I will just stop hear and leave you alone. 
> 
> Have fun reading it.

Louis looked up to the sky. The sun was just about to settle down. Sipping on a fancy ass glass of wine, he smiled to himself sadly. Who would have guessed that he of all people would sit out here by himself and enjoy it? The silence, the cool breeze that came from the small lake in front of him and the smell of autumn. The moist air not yet cold enough to condensate his breath. But it wouldn’t be long. Any day now. 

God knows that he had many parties on this particularly back porch. With way too much beer and just too many shots of tequila. But just him sitting here, watching the sunset was not something he expected. On the other hand, he never expected to be still living here. This house held so many memories. Good as well as bad ones. Even though Louis liked to tell himself that the good ones outnumbered the bad. 

He sighed. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could say he was happy right now. But he knew that he would feel guilty for it. Louis hated it, but he couldn’t help and feel ashamed every time he laughed these days. The bigger part of him knew that it was ridiculous. But that was just the way it was lately. “It is what it is” He thought while gently touching his chest. 

Louis looked up to the sky once again. The wind was getting stronger and he felt the temperature dropping a bit more. The sun was almost gone completely. Only a few orange beams danced upon the troubled water. 

“Watson, for fucks sake, come back!” Louis turned around on his wooden chair and saw the slightly overweight beagle run in his direction. After jumping up the three stairs of the porch, the dog came to a hold right in front of him, patiently waiting for Louis to pat him. He would never bark or jump to get someone’s attention. One thing Alex, his owner, made sure of. Louis bent down a little to pet the dog. “Hey buddy, how are you today? Keeping your Mom on her toes, huh?” “Oh you bet!” Louis got up and hugged the small curvy woman that finally caught up with her pet. 

”Ugh! You had to do it, right?” Louis chuckled a bit. “Oh dear Alex, you know every chance I get to annoy you, I take! And let’s be honest, who hates hugging?” Alex groaned once again and let herself fall dramatically on one of the garden chairs. “Yeah, yeah. I hate you too Tomlinson” 

After playing a little longer with Watson, Louis followed her motion and sat down opposite of her. “So, where is Holmes today? Why did you separate my OTP, you know how much I ship them!” Alex laughed out loud. 

“Well, let’s call it payback for years of agony.” She joked, earning an honest laughter from Louis. It took many years but he finally was able to handle comments like this. He even enjoyed them as long as they are part of banter. He held up his hands in defence. “Okay, okay. We are even!” 

“So, where is he?” Louis asked again. “Carol texted me earlier. One of the other teachers called in sick, so she had to stand in. She wasn’t sure when she would be back. So Renan took Holmes out for a quick walk and she would do the big round later.” Alex explained while running her hands though her short dark red hair, a motion that reminded Louis so much of a young Harry. “But this little bugger here, just did not want to wait. So I took him for a solo round for the first time in weeks. And look what he did. He ran straight to you. Probably hoping his lover dog Holmes would be here.” 

Watson’s ears sparked slightly when he heard the name of his best mate for the third time. Slowly he leant his heavy frame against Louis legs. Immediately being rewarded with more pets. “I see.” Louis hummed. 

“So, how is it going? ‘Harry already asleep?” Alex asked careful. She knew it was a sensitive subject. But she also knew that Louis needed to talk to someone. Piling up his feelings and thoughts was the worst he could do. Something she tried to tell him for weeks now. But Louis kept quiet. Always. 

A slight shrug with his shoulders was all she got today. “Come on, we both know I’m not letting you get away with that!” They both fell into an uncomfortable silence. 

“Louis-“ she started a little softer, “you need to get it out of your system. I hate to see you like this. You are hurting and you know it.” Of course he was aware of it. Everyone around him saw it, but it was not easy to open up. He was told for years to lock up his feelings. Just being professional. 

“Look, I’m not asking for the full story. Not today at least. But please tell me how Harry is doing and how YOU are holding up. Step by Step.” Louis took a deep breath and looked up. He watched a group of birds that are tossed about by the wind. He lazily pointed up, Alex following his motion. “See the birds there?” She hummed in acknowledgement. “I know exactly how they feel. They love being in the sky. They enjoy being on top of the world. But sometimes it gets too much. There is too much force they can’t control. Instead they are being controlled. Something keeps tossing them around. They fight it. But eventually they have used up all the energy they had. And that’s the point where they don’t have a choice. They have to obey. “ 

Alex listened closely. That was more than she could have asked for. She tried to bring Louis to open up ever since she and Carol first got to know him better. They had been neighbours for years, but only met a few month ago. Thanks to the dogs.

The two women normally did their evening rounds together. Watson and Holmes have, just like their name twins, a very complicated relationship. Holmes was a four year old brown Brazilian Fila mix with just a little too much energy and his own head. The big brown eyes always looked dreamy and you never knew what was going on in his mind. But he loved to just take off and run for hours nonstop. Chasing whatever was available. 

Watson on the other hand was with his almost 8 years too old for that. He loved to be cuddled and always needed someone near him. But when they first met the Beagle seemed to be drawn in by the energy of the younger dog. They stared to play with each other until Watson collapsed panting. 

That day was the first time the two women who lived in the same neighbourhood for such a long time talked to each other and learned that they had a lot in common. It was also the first time they saw who lived in the gigantic old house at the end of the road. It wasn’t uncommon to not know the people that lived near you in a remote area like this. Sussex was known to be a place to retire. And a place for artists. Especially writers loved it. It was romantically quiet but still close enough to the buzzing life of London. 

Alex was always curious. She loved the Victorian style of the building and was dying to see the inside. The house just didn’t seem to quite fit into the scene. It was bigger than all the other cabin styled houses around it. But on the other hand it was somehow just right with the little lake and the forest right behind it. It took a fast walker, like Alex and Carol where, at least twenty minutes to get there from their own houses. Something that was easily achieved with Holmes leading them. So that day, after the two women met and Watson fell in love with the other dog, they kept walking. Basically just following Holmes’ lead until they ended up in front of Louis and Harry’s house. Not aware of its inhabitants. 

Alex thought hard. She wanted this moment to last, but she also didn’t want to push too hard. “What about now? Do you still feel like something is tossing you around?” Louis kept silent. He didn’t want to talk in the first place. “Okay. I give up. For now. Thanks for at least opening up a bit. And if you have the feeling you want to do that again-“she paused and got up. “you know where I live. My door is always open. “ Alex slowly walked over to the younger man and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. But she stopped in her track. Instead she gently put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it slightly. She hated closeness after all, no matter how intimate this situation just felt. 

She walked away with Watson lazily following her. 

“Alex! Wait, Please.”


	2. Chapter 2

Alex let herself fall onto the couch. Everything Louis told her this evening needed to be processed. And she had a feeling that this was not achieved easily. Louis really opened up tonight, which she was so glad about, but he only gave her a glimpse of what he was really thinking. She suddenly felt the strongest urge to help him and Harry. Just listening was one thing and probably equally important, but there must be a way to-

Well, to what? Alex was not sure what to make of this situation. Was she even able to make it better? To “fix” them? 

She grabbed her phone and opened the messenger app. “call me! Or better come over asap”

It only took five seconds before her phone made the familiar sound. “Be right there. Holmes misses his lover anyways.” 

Alex took Watson’s big head in both hands. “See, you will meet your sweetheart after all today. And maybe we will find a way to help the boys.” She smiled a little to herself. Even after over twenty years, she still called Louis and Harry “her boys”. 

She vividly remembered the day she accidently clicked on the “Drag Me Down” music video and how fast she got sucked into the fandom. Even back then, as a 26 year old, she felt too old to be fangirling over the members of a boyband. Somehow though, there was just something about them she wasn’t able to get away from.

At least now she could tell herself that she only followed her motherly instincts. Ignoring of course the fact that Louis was only two years younger than her. Alex didn’t know what it was, but she and Louis clicked right from the start. Both being pretty sassy at times, sarcastic as fuck and sometimes even rude to each other, without being offended of course. 

Carol on the other hand was the first one to find a connection to Harry. Both being so much calmer and quieter. They could talk for hours about flowers and herbs. And Alex was sure that Harry did confess a thing or two to Carol, even though her friend never mentioned anything. At least she hoped he did. Harry needed someone to talk to as much as Louis did, but not being able to remember most things from the past was not something to overcome easily. He was always so scared of what people might think about him when he messed up a few facts. 

Both women knew the boys for years. Only from a distance of course. Listening to their music, endlessly watching interviews, reading and even writing fan fictions themselves. Maybe sometimes even fantasising about meeting them. But this was so far away. They never expected it to happen. Wasn’t it every fangirl’s dream to befriend a celebrity? Not quite under those circumstances, but still. 

A little melancholy rushed over Alex, whishing she had met the boys twenty years ago. At a time where maybe not all things where perfect but at least everything was still possible. Not that the end of the world was near now, of course, but for Alex it felt a little like it. After all, she did earn her money as a writer. She tends to see drama and sorrow when other people just enjoyed the show. Which was very helpful while writing a bestseller novel, but in life it could make things more difficult than necessary. 

“The look on your face tells me that I will need something to drink for this conversation.” Alex looked up a little startled. She must have been deep in her own thoughts, not hearing Carol and Holmes coming in. Maybe she should start locking her door after all. Watson had already taken full care of the bigger dog, licking the insides of his ears. Before placing themselves at the end of the couch, completely entwined with one another. 

“Help yourself.” She gestured towards the kitchen. “Please bring me a glass of orange juice from the fridge, while you’re at it.” 

“Oh it must be bad if you want the hard stuff, but of course. Always to your service my highness.” Alex laughed out loud. It amazed her over and over again how easy it was to interact with Carol. The Brazilian moved about in her kitchen as if it was her house. A thing that Alex valued very much. She hated to play host, but she wanted that every guest felt welcomed and at home. And nothing let people feel more at home than just taking whatever they wanted without an awkward guessing game. Would you like something to drink? Are you hungry? The toilets are right at the end of the floor...  
Alex was never a very possessive person. She liked to share everything she had. Even living alone for long did not change that at all. 

“All right, what’s going on?” Carol asked, balancing the two beverages to the wooden couch table. Not even bothering with coasters, considering the fact that the tabletop was covered with water stains and dried paint. A thing she never noticed, because the table usually was clustered with pieces of paper.

“Like I said, it must be bad, when you drink orange juice on a weekday. And I don’t see any notes flying around.” She joked, trying lightening the mood. “Very funny!” Alex kept silent for a moment. “How was class?” Carol only nodded while taking a big sip of her white wine. “Let’s skip that! I can see that you need to get something important off your chest. So, what is it?” 

Alex inhaled deeply. Was it okay for her to tell Carol what Louis confessed? The thoughts in her head seemed to play ping pong, until the rational side finally took the upper hand. She had to. There was no way for her to help them on her own. She let her eyes wander, taking in the entire scene.  
Carol sitting with curious eyes in front of her. Watson and Holmes cuddling, not caring what happened around them. She caught a glimpse of herself in the window behind Carol. It seemed to be pitch black outside. What time was it, anyways? How much time had passed since she came home from Louis? 

She got up. Every joint in her body suddenly aching. “Louis talked to me.” She blasted out, while Carol gazed after the other woman pacing the room. “Right. What about?” Knowing it must be something important, Carol tried to ask as careful as possible. She didn’t want to push her friend. 

Alex and Louis could talk for hours without really saying anything that made sense. At least not for people on the outside. But Carol always suspected that there was more to those conversations than meets the eye.

“I don’t know. It was so much. He basically had a full blown meltdown. The words just leaving his mouth. Completely unfiltered. I’m not sure I caught everything. Carol, he was so open today. And I-“

She paused to look at her friend.”We need to help them.” 

Carol set down her glass of wine. Just now realizing how tied her grip became over the last minutes. She wanted nothing more than to pull Alex into a tight hug. But she knew that she would not appreciate it. “We will! But first you have to calm down a little, sit down and tell me what Louis said exactly.”  
“I’m not sure I can. Not everything at least.” Carol understood. There have been indeed a few things that Harry had told her. Details she also could not give away. “Understood. What CAN you tell me?” 

“He is hurting!” Not exactly a fact Carol didn’t know already. “More than we expected. He bears so much guilt in him. He seems to wish that he was the one sitting in the car that day. He rambled something about being the careless little shit that would have deserved to be brought down.”

Carol suddenly had a vivid picture of the conversation in her head. Just like Alex, Carol spent quite a bit of time reading about the boys. And that Louis Tomlinson was not an angel when he was younger is no secret. She was also more than aware of the fact that he struggled with his mental status for years. Not that this came as a surprise to her. Pretty much no one would have been able to withstand the shade that he had to deal with. Lying about his sexuality at a time where others start to discover and explore it. Being portrayed as a reckless ladies man. Pretending to be in love with women he could barely stand. And on top of it all, protecting his secret boyfriend from as much as possible. 

One thing that both women knew without having it heard from the boys, was that Louis always felt the need to protect Harry from anything that management and who knows else threw at them. And every time he (in his eyes) failed to do so, he started to hate himself a little more. Especially for Alex this was the worst part. And probably the reason she ended up spending so much time researching the whole “Louis and Harry thing”. She liked Louis without knowing him personally and even back then she wished she could help him.

“Did he say anything about Harry? Do they talk?” Alex shook her head. “Not so much lately. It got worse over the last couple days. He takes care of him and Harry gets annoyed when he does.” Carol raised an eyebrow. Not that Harry told her something else, but she knew how hard Harry tried. He wanted to get closer to Louis again.

”I think we need to sit them down together and force them to talk. You know like in school when two kids had a fight.”

“Is that the teacher in you talking?” Alex half heartedly joked. “Yeah, probably. However what I mean is that Harry is trying so hard to get everything together. And he is so scared of not being able to achieve that. Maybe talking through it will help. I know they avoided the past. I don’t think that was smart. Defensive mechanism be damned.” 

Alex thought for a second. She tried to recall all the information she had gathered about retrograde Amnesia. “So, you don’t mean they need to talk about the accident, but everything before that? Relive the past, as they say.” Carol hummed. “And who would be a better help than two former fangirls.” 

“Wait, former fangirl? Does that mean you don’t ship them anymore?” Both women smiled for only one second.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry sat down on the old wooden bench that instantly made a suspicious creaking noise. The lake in front of him was relatively calm this evening. He needed a few minutes to himself, being tired of tiptoeing around Louis in the House. He knew that the other man did exactly the same thing with him and that drove Harry mad. Not mad at Louis but at the situation itself. Will it ever become easier? Or even normal again?

Though the last few days have been a little different from the past weeks. He didn’t dare to tell anyone, but Harry started to remember a few tiny things. 

He sighed a little to himself. Damn it! It was a HUGE thing for him. And he wanted to tell somebody about it, but he also didn’t want to stir too much hope. At this moment, for others it would seem like nothing big. Only bits and pieces that don’t quite add up yet, but he knew that there is a chance of it becoming an entire picture if he just tried hard enough. And for some reason that was what he wanted before he told Louis. Harry could only imagine his husband’s face when he told him that he remembers parts their wedding. It was just not the right moment. 

Harry looked down and let his eye wander over the ground. The leaves had not start to fall yet, but he had a feeling that it wouldn’t take long. It was getting cooler every day now and the hours of daylight seemed so delicate. He felt the need to soak in every single sunshine he could get. 

Following the light on the ground, Harry thought about all the life that was living under his feet without him knowing. His gaze followed a little ant to the side of the bench. In between some thin branches he could see a dead bird. Harry kept staring. The poor thing was already almost eaten by maggots. He stopped breathing for a second and could hear the flies buzzing around the area. There was something strangely soothing about the scene. Morbid or not. He felt sorry for the bird, but he also was fascinated. The death of one thing guaranteed the life of another. He watched a big fly landing on the bird’s head. Its body shimmered greenish in the sun, it was probably laying its eggs on the dead animal. He wondered how it felt. Not being the bird, but being the fly that has to lay its eggs on dead material in order to assure the life of its offspring. The circle of life, he mused. Everything has to die so that everything can live. 

“Hope I’m not interrupting.” Harry started up. He was too deep in his thoughts to hear the approaching footsteps. “God, you scared me.” He whispered. 

“Hey! No need for formalities. You can call me Carol.” The Brazilian let herself fall next to Harry on the bench. “Isn’t sarcasm more Alex’ thing?” He asked dryly and Carol nodded. Both sat together for a few moments. That was nothing uncharacteristic for them. Unlike Louis and Alex, they enjoyed silence. Plainly being with someone was enough. 

“Where is Holmes?” Harry suddenly broke the plasticity as he noticed that his neighbour was without her usual companion. “Don’t laugh, but Watson had to go to the vet and Alex asked me if she could take Holmes along because, and I quote: It calmed Watson down enough to ignore the man with the needles.” Harry looked up for the first time. “That makes sense, in the weirdest way possible. I swear those two dogs are each other’s twin souls.” 

“I can only agree and I’m happy about it. The entire journey to the UK was not easy for Holmes. Living in quarantine for so long until we could pick him up. He was not the same dog afterwards. But then we met Alex and Holmes and he seemed to open up again. Being his old, hyperactive self. ” Harry looked down again. He knew that feeling. The need for a person that made him feel free and relaxed enough to be himself. Not caring about the opinion of others. 

“Right, Watson seems to be perfect for this. I have never met a more laid back dog in my life.” Carol laughed a little. “Yeah? Well, you should dog sit them for a while then. You will see how laid back he is.”

“Maybe we should get a dog of our own. I heard it helps with-“ Harry stopped, not really knowing what he wanted to say anyways. “Maybe you should.” Carol agreed ignoring the unfinished sentences. 

She took a deep breath. There was a reason she came down to the lake alone for the first time since she lived here. She normally would only come here with Alex and the dogs. “Harry, listen. I wanted to talk to you.” She physically felt him tensing up. This was not going to be easy. “Alex talked to Louis the other day. And he told her a few things that worried her. And even though she did not tell me everything-“ She bit her lips. It was hard. She loved Harry like a brother and knowing that this conversation is going to hurt him was almost unbearable. “He is hurting. I’m sure you know that.” Harry let out a small grunt. Yes he was aware of the fact that the person he was supposed to love felt rejected. Carol moved a little closer, their knees touching. “We want to help you. Alex and I think that you and Louis should talk. Not about the accident or the time after, but about the time before.” Harry stood up and wandered a few steps closer to the shore. “I’m not sure that is a good idea.” He said that so quietly that Carol was not sure she had heard right. She stood up as well and followed Harry. Not sure what to respond, she stood next to Harry and waited. Both looked into the distance. 

“I remember something. “ He blurt out all of a sudden. Carol was so taken aback that she almost lost her balance. “Huh? When? How? What?” She wasn’t even able to form a proper sentence. She stumbled back to the bench, no longer trusting her legs. That was a big thing. She knew ho bad Harry wanted to have his normal live back. And that of course included all the memories he lost in the accident. 

Harry followed her to the bench, but instead of sitting down, he kept standing and pointed to the dead bird on the ground. “See that?” Carol took a quick look and grimaced. “Yeah, I know Holmes found it a few days ago. Though it was a bit-“ she shuddered “more fresh. Stay away from it. God knows what kind of germs are on there.” She instantaneously grabbed the little bottle of hand sanitizer from her pocket. After thoroughly cleaning her hands she offered the bottle to Harry, who disclaimed with a small laugh. 

“What about that sad little creature?” She asked as calm as possible, trying to hide her frustration. She wanted Harry to talk to her about his confession, not about a dead bird that was eaten by all kinds of bugs and bacteria. “Nothing” he shrugged his shoulders. “I just think it is interesting how the death of something means life for something else.” He said blandly. Carol stood up and grabbed Harry’s wrists a little too violently. “Do I need to worry about you?” She let her thumb glide over his lower arm in search of cuts. He pulled away but never lost eye contact. “No! God Carol. No! I promise. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just thinking about the circle of life. And how amazing it is that something good can be created out of something so horrible.” Carol closed her eyes and took a few deep breathes. Both sat down again. This was not how she imagined the day to go. And if she was honest to herself, she was not sure if she could handle it. Alex was the drama queen who knew how to work with things like this. Make something of the sorrow, fear or whatever emotion others might throw at her. Carol on the other hand was such a happy and joyful person who hated even the idea of something bad happening to someone she liked. Sure, she had a bit of a dirty mind and liked knock knock jokes and puns, all in all being such a happy person. So handling this was not her specialty, but she promised Alex to do it. 

She finally decided to take Harry’s hand into her own. “Harry, do me a favor. Write down what you remember. As detailed as possible. Alex and I have a plan and this will come in handy.” He looked at her with a questioning look. She squeezed his hand a bit harder. “Like I said, Louis talked to Alex and he apparently mentioned few things that made her think.” She watched Harry closely, trying to read his reaction. She let go of his hand. “You always kept journal right?” He nodded, still not knowing where this was going. “Good. And you still have them?” She knew he had, he told her about them a while ago. “We, well, mainly Alex wants them.” Harry frowns. “Let me explain.” She held up her hand in defense. “You can, of course, take out everything you are not confinable sharing with us. We will go though them and kinda sort out a little timeline you and Louis are going to relive, talk about it and just” she stopped for a second. “remember.” She finished carefully. Waiting for Harry’s reaction was the worst. His memory was such a risky subject at the moment she felt bad for bringing it up at all. “So basically, you and Alex want to make me and Louis walk through the past, hoping it will bring back my memory?” Carol nodded. “And you think I have not tried that? Reading those damn journals over and over again. You know what happened? Nothing! Nothing what so ever. I just felt terrible for forgetting all the great things we apparently had. Forgetting the love of my live! I’m not repeating this. Sorry. It’s so nice that you want to help us, but that’s not the right way.” Carol had to hold back a tear. She has never seen Harry like this. Was he right? Maybe it was a stupid idea.

She stood up and recalled what Alex had told her. Walking closer to the shore, she tried to find the correct words. She kicked a few small rocks into the water. Holmes would be all over the place right now, catching the flying stones.

“It’s going to be different. You and Louis will go through this together. He will be able to add a few details to what you have written down.” She closed her eyes and let her head hang down. “Alex has this plan to rewrite your Journal. Make it more vivid and therefore easier for you to walk through the pictures. Again, that was a quote from her. I’m not entirely sure what she means, but I trust her and I think you should too.” Carol suddenly felt a warm hand on her back. She turned around. Looking into Harry’s teary eyes broke her heart. “You won’t disappoint him, Harry! Louis and I might not have the strongest connection, but if I know one thing then that he will never be disappointed in you. He loves you so very much and he knows how hard you are trying. He wants you to get better. And yes he would love to have the old days back but his priority is for you to be happy again. “ 

She started slightly to shake until she felt two strong arms around her waist. “Okay. Let’s do it then.”


	4. Chapter 4

Alex looked down at the pile of old leather journals. Why did it feel so wrong to read them? She had Harry’s permission to do so. And still she could not bring herself to pick the first one up and start.

She led her finger linger over the oldest book. It was the most plain of them all. Black with no decoration. Only a thin string kept it close. Harry must have put a lot of extra pages into it. Alex could see that it was way thicker than it originally had been. She herself always taped random stuff into her journals. Most of them even had an envelope clued to the inside of the book cover for little notes and just random stuff.

Finally she picked it up and took a deep breath. After fiddling for a few seconds with the string, she opened it. If anyone would have told her twenty years ago she would read Harry Styles’ journals, she would have burst from laughing. But now all she felt was sorrow. She knew that the first of all the books was probably the happiest one, but Alex could not help herself, knowing what was about to follow. She started reading. Harry began writing this one the night after his X-Factor audition. The audition was a big part of his entry, but the bigger part was definitely the “cute boy, he accidently pissed on”. So, that was a true story and not just headcanon of the Larry shippers. Even their first words had been _oops_ and _Hi_. Alex grinned to herself, surprised at how fast she was falling into her old fan girl self. She even almost forgot her doubts from earlier.

She kept reading, completely sinking into the words on the paper. Harry did not only have a beautiful handwriting, he also had a pretty good articulation. It was so easy for her to imagine the events he described. Carol and her would not need to rewrite this at all, she thought. They only needed it to rearrange.

They were planning on messing up the timeline a little. She read it would help to train the brain. Maybe Harry would remember something while trying to organise the events correctly. After a while Alex got up to stretch her muscles. She looked to the old German cuckoo clock her mother gave her when she moved to the UK. It was already half past eight. Carol was supposed to come over at around nine, assuming her last student leaves on time.  By then Alex was supposed to have sorted out a rough timeline, but all she had so far was a cramping leg and the aggravating feeling in her stomach of snooping around someone’s private life. 

She went into the kitchen to get herself a new bottle of water from the fridge, when she realized that something was bothering her about the first journals. Something was wrong and she could not put her finger on it. She thought about everything she read in the last few hours or so. What was wrong with those stories? She took a sip of the cold water and shivered.

“Earth to Alex! Is someone there?” Alex jumped and let out a little scream, before her sight started to focus on Carol.

“God! Never, ever do this again!” Carol laughed a little but stopped as soon as she saw the expression on her friends face. “What happened? Did you talk to Louis again?” The other woman shook her head. She didn’t know how to explain this weird feeling she had.

“No. No, I was just thinking. Sorry. How was your day?” Carol decided to brush the situation off as a typical overreaction from Alex, to whatever. She was used to it by now. Writer, she told herself over and over again. Such a sensible folk. “Thanks it was fine. My last student is making so much progress. I’m really impressed and a little bit proud.”

After handing Carol a bottle of water both women went to the living room.  Holmes had already found his favourite companion on the couch. Watson had occupied the sofa since his owner had made herself comfortable on the floor in front of it. He didn’t even bother to interrupt her, enjoying the quietness for once. It was a rare thing that no loud music was blasting from the stereo. And Alex could swear that her dog knew exactly when she didn’t want to be bothered by him. Something Carol always made fun of. _A dog doesn’t care if you want to be let alone. If he wants attention then he makes himself noticeable._ Watson was different, Alex was sure.

“You should be proud! You do a great job.” Alex sat down on her old spot and moved the other books, she didn’t dare to look at yet, a bit aside so that Carol could sit opposite her.

“Well, I meant I was proud of him and not me, but thanks.” She smiled for a brief second. “So, how far did you get?” Carol could swear she saw the other woman tense up. “Well, if I’m honest. Not that far. I only read the first journal.” Carol looked at her with a confused expression. Alex was usually pretty fast at working her way through papers, despite her limited attention span. “What distracted you?” She asked cheerful, but Alex was just not able to return the smile. She kept thinking about the journal and how she would explain the strange feelings she had about it.  Maybe Carol would see the same thing when she read it. Alex decided to say nothing and just handed the book to the other woman.

“Please read it and tell me what your first thought is.” Carol frowned and took the book. After another questioning look she opened it. She felt Alex’s eyes on her, almost burning. She had to make herself concentrate on the words in front of her.

She looked up again, before she even read the first sentences, shaking her head. “That’s not Harry’s handwriting!” She said not sure if she believed herself. Alex stood up and screamed. “I knew it! Fuck! I knew something was wrong. But how? He gave you the books himself, right?” She looked down and Carol nodded, completely speechless. Watson and Holmes yelped a bit from the shock. Both watching Alex pacing up and down carefully.  

She had to think this through and moving helped. “Why would Harry do that? He agreed to this. He wanted it. Sure we didn’t ask Louis if he is okay with it, but still-“

“Would you calm down for a second, you are making me dizzy.” Alex stopped walking. Only her foot kept tapping the floor. She was so full of adrenalin right now. “Tell me in all details how he gave you the books.” She ordered, ignoring the fact that she just used _that tone_ on her friend. Carol also skipped it, because she was as flustered as Alex. “There is not much to say. After our conversation at the lake, we walked to the house. In silence, in case you were wondering.” Alex was indeed about to ask that. “Anyways, after arriving he went up to his bedroom.” Carol stopped for a second. Both women shared a sad look, knowing that Louis and Harry were not sharing a bed was breaking their hearts. “He came back a few minutes later with the journals. He handed them to me without saying much.”

Alex narrowed her eye. “Was Louis there?”  Carol shook her head. “Nope. Do you think we should have asked him before suggesting this to Harry?” Alex was sure they should have, but that was not the point at the moment. They fell into an uncountable silence. Neither of them sure what to say or what to make out of this situation. Alex went into the kitchen. Not sure what she even wanted there, she opened one of the upper cupboards, gazing over the content. Carol was right behind her, watching her. “Do you think he knows?” Carol asked almost in a whisper. Alex turned her head just enough to look at her and shrugged her shoulders. Her hands grabbed a random box of shreddies, turning around she leaned against the counter. She wasn’t hungry at all, but still she opened the box and fished a few pieces of cereal out and shoved them into her mouth. It took her awhile to properly chew and swallow the dry snack. She held out the box a little to offer Carol something. She declined and pushed Alex’ hand back.

Alex turned around again.  Right at the moment when she was about to put back the box she felt Carols hand on her wrist. “Wait! What’s that?” She pointed at the back of the box. Alex looked at where her friend’s finger pointed and laughed a little. “Ha, nothing. Louis just filled out a bit of the crossword puzzle, because he thought I would not be able to do so.”

“Look at it. Closely.” Now Alex was the one to give her friend a questioning look. What was she on about? She looked at the box and froze. Louis hasn’t filled out that much, but the few words he wrote seemed unbelievably familiar.

Both women ran to into the living room. Carol was a little faster, so she picked up the journal. Alex held the box of cereals right next to it. It was difficult to compare the two handwritings, considering the fact that they only had a few letters to work with.

But at the end that was all they needed, both being so sure about that.

They asked themselves why but it didn’t matter right now. The point was:

_Louis was the one who wrote the first journal._


	5. Chapter 5

“What are we going to do now?” Carol asked unsure. The women let themselves fall onto the couch. Watson and Holmes were just fast enough to flee. “We need to talk to Louis first. I’m sure that Harry has no clue about this.” Carol nodded. Her friend was right, but she had no desire to have that conversation. She could not think of one plausible reason why he would have rewritten the journal. “Harry doesn’t know. I’m so sure about that.” She repeated mostly to herself, but Alex heard her and could only agree. “I will text him. Maybe he can come over immediately.” Carol nervously checked the time. She knew she could stay, but she really didn’t want to. For a second she tried to find an excuse to leave, but then she felt a warm hand on her arm. “Go home. I will text you tomorrow.” “Are you sure? This is pretty fucked up and I don’t want to leave you alone. “ It wasn’t a lie. “I know. But you also don’t like confrontations. And I’m pretty used to them. “ Carol smiled sadly.”And besides that, I know how to take him. I’m sure he will be honest to me.” The Brazilian stood up. Alex followed her right away. “Come here!” She said and took Alex in a tight hug. After they let go of each other Alex pretended to shiver a little in disgust, which earned her a soft hit against the arm. Watson and Holmes had not been happy to be separated, especially after such a strange evening. Holmes only followed his owner reluctantly. 

Alex walked into the kitchen again and grabbed the box of shreddies. She stared at it, not sure what to think. She took them with her into the living room. Slowly she sat down on the ground. Watson was immediately all over her. “Sorry buddy, that’s not for you.” She said, patting his big head. The dog seemed to understand and let himself fall onto her legs. Alex gave a little whimper of pain. This dog was just something else. She smiled at him. “But I love you, you know that right?” He gave her a little grunt as answer.

After minutes of cuddling she decided it was time to face the facts. She needed to text Louis. And she needed to do it now. Alex took her phone and opened the messenger.

“We need to talk, ASAP.” It felt like a déjà vu. Only a few days earlier she sent Carol the same message, after she had the talk with Louis. And back then she had a similar unsettling feeling in her stomach. She didn’t fail to notice, that every time she felt bad lately, it had to do with Louis Tomlinson.

Her eyes fixed her phone. Louis had read her text, but he wasn’t answering. Watson got up and ran to the door. She heard a loud knock only a second later. She got up and walked to her front door. “Who is it?” She asked carefully. Everyone she knew came into her house without knocking. Her friends knew that the door was open at all times.

“It’s me.” Recognising the voice on the other side, she opened the door a little too vigorously.

“Louis! What the hell!” She clutched his arm and pulled him inside, slamming the door, again a little too hard. He wasn’t even frightened by the loud bang the door made. He seemed to be in some kind of shock, which made Alex feel terrible. Carefully she guided him into the kitchen and sat him down on one of the barstools. She opened her freezer and took out a bottle of vodka. Still without saying anything she took two shot glasses out of the cabinet and placed them on the counter, filling them with the clear liquid. Right after both glasses had been filled she took one and emptied it with one big gulp. She saw Louis’ confused look and gestured to the second glass. Hesitantly he took it and emptied it as well.

He exhaled loudly, “Louis, you have no idea what you are doing to me.” She said blandly.

“I’m sorry. I know that you want to help us. And I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” Alex shook her head. “ _A lot of questions_ doesn’t even cover it.” Louis nodded. “Harry just told me that Carol picked up his journals and what you wanted to do with them.” He stopped, not knowing how to phrase the next sentences.

  
“And you remembered: _Oh shit! I’m the one who wrote the first one_.” Louis was shocked. He never had seen such a side from Alex. She was beyond mad.

“No! I mean yes. I did re-write the first two books.” Alex laughed out loud sarcastically. “Two? That’s great. Just great!” Louis waited in hope his friend would calm down a bit, but the silence seemed to make her even angrier. “Lou, for fucks sake. Why? Just WHY?” she shouted at him.

“Would you please calm down?” I have an explanation for all this.”

“Oh I can’t wait to hear that.”

Louis ran his hand through his hair. All of a sudden Alex could see pure desperation in his eyes. She immediately felt bad for her outburst. She took his hand into hers and let her thumb slide slowly over his palm. “Sorry, I’m listening.” She said only a bit softer.

“Harry had burnt his first journals.” Alex was only able to mouth a _what_ , not sure if she had heard right.

“We had a huge fight, after management made him go out with Taylor. I was so mad at the entire situation. Not really at him, but you know-“ He stopped, knowing that no more words were needed.

Alex’ expression softened completely. She never heard the full story of the stunting business, but Louis had told her enough to make her feel disgusted by the methods of the industry. “Keep going please!”

“Well, he came home after the _date_ at the zoo and I kinda turned on him. I don’t even remember what I said, but it was enough to make him shout back at me. You know him, he rarely raises his voice.” Alex gulped. That was one thing Harry and her had in common. They both hated shouting and now she did exactly that to him. “Lou, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-“ He held up his hand.

“No, it’s fine. I know this is all so fucked up and you only wanted to help us.” They both briefly smiled at each other.

  
“Anyway, it was the worst fight we had so far. We were both young and so unexperienced. Especially Harry. I hated it when _they_ made him do things like that. I mean, I agreed to _date_ Eleanor, so that Harry could just live his life. And at first that was enough. But the rumours about us didn’t stop and management thought it was a great idea to bring in another starlet. And let’s be honest she made a good deal out of it.” He got up from his chair. His body felt so heavy right now. He needed to move.

“Let’s take a walk, okay?” Alex gestured to the door and Louis nodded thankfully. “Did you bring a jacket?” She asked looking around. She couldn’t remember if he was wearing one when he came to her house.

“No. After Harry told me that you have the journals, I just took off without thinking.“ Alex grabbed two of her jackets from the cloth stand next to the door and handed Louis one. “Here, it will be a bit loose on you, but it’s going to keep you warm.” He pulled the jacket over and Alex was right, it was a little too loose on him. Alex smiled. “You have such a tiny frame.” She joked, Louis tried to return the smile. “Sorry. Let’s go.” She opened the door and whistled once. Just then, Watson jumped from the couch and ran to the door, waiting patiently to be allowed to go outside. “God he is well behaved.” Alex nodded. “Yes. It took me a good amount of time to get there with him. He is my first dog after all. And we both had to learn a lot.” She gave the dog a little pat on the head and then whistled again, this time a little lower. Watson took off and ran outside, followed by Alex and Louis.

“Where did we leave off?” “Harry shouting at you.” Louis frowned. “Right. Well, it’s a long story and I’m not sure if I can even recall everything, but in the end he ended up sleeping at Niall’s that night. Maybe that’s when he burnt the books. God, I don’t know. I never found the courage to ask him. He was so angry. And I just could not swallow my own pride and apologise. He hadn’t done anything wrong and I knew it.” They walked around the house and into the little wood, Watson more or less leading the way. “It was just too much. I know I say that a lot, but I wanted to protect him. And I knew he hated the stunting as much as I did. The whole situation just got out of hand.” He went silent after that. Alex didn’t want to push him so they walked a while without saying anything.

 Alex loved the woods behind her house. It wasn’t big, but big enough to have a nice walk with the dogs. Louis and Harry’s house was at the other end. Walking straight ahead, they reached it in a little over half an hour. “Do you think Harry is still awake?” She asked, looking for lights in the house. Louis looked at his phone. It was quarter after midnight. “No, definitely not. We could sit on the back porch. Or do you want to go down to the lake?” As much as she liked to be at the water, Alex gestured to the back porch. They needed to finish this conversation as soon as possible. Her body was so tense with anticipation.

“Louis, I hate to push you, but may I ask why you wrote the journals?” She asked while sitting down on the same wooden chair she sat on a few days ago. She used to like this place, but right now it’s connected to so much sorrow. Watson seemed to feel his owner’s anxiety and didn’t leave her side. Normally he would be all over Louis, who again sat down opposite from her, but today he kept his distance.

“After the accident-“ Louis started very quietly. “He was such in a bad state. I hated seeing him like this. He just lay there in the hospital bed, looking so small, so frail.” Alex could nearly hear the tears in his voice.  There was nothing she could do right now but listen. Louis needed to get this out of his system. She knew that he had never opened up like this to anyone. “I sat there day by day and nothing changed. The doctors told me that I should talk to him. I just had no idea what to say. Ann and Gemma came almost every day and just chatted away. It seemed to be so easy for them.” He sniffled. Alex looked at him. It was completely dark, the sky too cloudy to see the moon. She could only make out Louis’ silhouette. She didn’t like what she saw. He was small, sunk down on his chair. That Louis had nothing in common with the sassy boy she fell in love with.

“It wasn’t easy for them either. I know that, but I still hated them for being able to be so open with him. I wanted to do that. I knew it would help him, but I couldn’t find a way to just talk. Every time I looked at him my throat tightened up and the words got stuck. After almost two weeks of people coming in and talking to him as if he was awake, I couldn’t bare it anymore. I ran out of the hospital and drove here.”  Alex didn’t miss the fact, that he didn’t call the house _home_ , like he normally did.

“I went into our bedroom and just cried. I wasn’t able to stop. I’m so weak.” Alex got up, walked over and kneeled in front of him, taking both his hands into hers. “Listen! Don’t ever say that again. You are not weak! And you know it. You have always been there for Harry.”

“No, I wasn’t!” Louis protested weakly. Alex sighed. There was, of course, a time in which Harry and Louis had been apart. She knew about the temporary break up and she also knew that they only barely made it through this, but this was not the point at the moment. “You have been there when he needed you the most. That’s all that matters tight now.”

She could feel him shaking. Alex started to panic. What should she do? Everything that came to her mind was just a hollow phrase. Nothing was actually helpful.

“When did you write the journals?” Louis and Alex were startled by the deep voice. Louis looked behind himself. Harry stood in the French window to the house. He got up in a fast motion walking towards Harry, who took a step back inside the house. “When?” He asked again, his voice so stern that Alex shivered.

“That night. The doctors kept telling us that we should talk to you about the past. About our history together. And then I remembered the journals you burned, after the fight and I thought if I recreate them and read them to you, you would wake up. Harry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t meant to betray you. I just wanted you back. I love you so much.” Both men looked at each other. Alex felt the tension and wished she could break it, but this was something they needed to sort out by themselves.

Finally, after several minutes, Harry stepped forward and took Louis into his arms. “Thank you.” He whispered. “Thank you for not giving up. And thank you for letting me see the first years of you and me, _of us_ , see through your eyes. I appreciate the effort and I’m overwhelmed to see how much you care.”


	6. Chapter 6

Louis looked into the aquarium. He didn't like fish very much, but for some reason he couldn’t stop watching them today. They had a weird smoothing effect on him. Swimming from A to B and back to A again, not caring what others might think. Not being self conscious or feeling the need to pretend to be something they are not. They are being watched day in day out and still, those fish didn't give a crap. "Good for you buddies!" 

"You know they can't actually hear you, right?” Carol suddenly stood next to him and giggled slightly. Louis gave her a warm smile back. "Yes, I’m well aware of that fact Miss smarty pants, but still, some things just need to be said." Both kept looking at the fish in silence until Alex came to stand beside them. "Have you seen her new fish?" She pointed at a random bluish one, Louis couldn’t tell apart from all the other greenish and bluish fish in the tank. And still he decided to nod, knowing he would make Alex happy with it. "What’s its name?" He asked and Alex started to grin even more. "GSR" Louis raised an eyebrow. 

"Okay?" He looked at both women, not knowing how to respond. Carol started to laugh out loud. "Grissom and Sara Romance" the Brazilian said as if that would explain everything. "Ladies, I need more input. I know all the fish are named after the people you shipped together, but I have never heard of Grissom and Sara." Alex pretended to be shocked and Carol laughed even louder. "It's from an old American TV show called CSI.” She said gasping for air. “You are probably too young to know it."Alex added, which earned her a little punch on the arm from Louis. “Two years, honey, two years.” All three fell into silence again, watching the little creatures in front of them. If he was honest to himself, Louis tried to find one particular one to make sure he was fine. It was true, he didn’t care much for them, but when a friend has a fish named after you and your husband, then you want it to be doing good. “So, where is-“ He stopped himself, suddenly feeling stupid to even consider asking. 

“Larry is over there, right behind Reituki. I can’t believe that you still have no idea how your own fish looks like.” Carol said in a mocking tone, but still grinning. “Sorry for that, but I may mention that every single goddamn fish in here is blue or green.” Louis tried to defend himself, knowing of course that he and Harry are the reason for this particular colour scheme.   
“This-“ Alex pointed at a relatively small fish. “is Marker, you know Mark and Roger from the musical RENT. And this-“ pointing at a big green one. “is the one and only Johnlock. No need to explain that, I hope.” Louis nodded. He himself was very fond of the unique relationship of Watson and Holmes, both books and BBC show. And not to forget his favourite dogs on the planet. He turned around to see the pair on the couch, snuggled together. “Hey, keep focused. We are not done yet.” He felt a small nudge on his upper arm. “You see the one in the back that keeps hiding, that’s Narry.” She said a little quieter. Louis looked at her and immediately regretted it. Alex took inhaled sharply. 

“Anyways, the very dark over there is Destiel. Please don’t ask me to explain that one. It would take forever.” Louis gave first her and then Carol a questioning look. “Hey, don’t look at me. I did not name this one. The crazy person next to you did.” Louis only nodded. It would not make any sense to gather all those information just to delete them in a few hours anyways. “Oh finally. There he is in all his glory. The king of the aquarium. Larry Stylinson.” All three of them bent down a bit to take a closer look at the little fish that just now decided to swim closer to them. 

“It is a Chromis viridis, very easy to take care of and always friendly to everyone.” Renan suddenly appeared on the other side of the aquarium. “Carol insisted on getting this one, even though it meant we had to rearrange everything, he being a saltwater fish. We originally planned on getting freshwater fishes.” Carol looked up and above the aquarium, a little embarrassed of what her husband just shared with the others. Not that Alex was any better. As soon as she learned about it she went and bought two fish of her own, only so that she could name them. Louis looked at the other man. He and Renan had never had a real conversation, but he seemed to be a great guy. Carol was lucky to have found someone like him. He gave him a soft smile. It was a little awkward, but it felt kinda right. 

“Well, what I was trying to say is, dinner is ready.” Renan said and all of them turned to the kitchen, in which Harry seemed to settle the last few things on the table. “Thanks, we will be right there.” Carol walked over and gave her husband a small kiss on the cheeks. Both of them headed in Harry’s direction. Louis looked at Alex, who still watched the water. “Are you searching for someone?” She looked up and right into Louis eyes, smiling only a little bit. “No.” She sighed. 

“Please tell me this was not a terrible idea and it will not end in a catastrophe.” It was hard for Louis to see her this way. And it was even harder to know that he is responsible for it. He took her hands into his own, feeling her tens up immediately. He stepped closer, entering her personal space. “Alex, it is the right thing. We need to do that. And I can’t even tell you how grateful I’m-“ He slightly shook his head. “-how grateful we are. You and Carol are amazing friends and I’m aware of how hard this is for you. Seeing someone you like hurting is never easy. I can’t even imagine how it is for someone who has so much experience with-“ 

“Let’s not go there now, all right?” Louis took a step back, asking himself if he went too far. “And who said we like you?” Alex smiled and gave him a very quick, light hug before running off to join the others. 

Louis stood there for a moment, listening to the muffled noises from the kitchen. Relief was running through his veins. He knew it was the right thing, but to be honest, he was just as scared as Alex. He loved Harry and losing him would break him. The accident was already the second time he came too close to that. Reliving all the things that made them the people they are now was not going to be a walk in the park, but Louis was ready.

“Get your ass in here, or we will start without you.” He smiled. Yes, this was indeed going to be an exhausting but good night for all of them. 

~~~

Dinner went by fast and the five of them chatted happily about everything and nothing, of course complementing Harry on his cooking and Carol’s dessert many times. After they finished even the last crumbs of her homemade Paçoca, Louis started to get a little anxious. They were planning on taking the dogs for a long walk too cool off before starting their journey through the past at the boys' house. 

“So, I guess I’m going to start on the dishes or everything will be crusty.” Renan said, standing up. Louis was immensely grateful for this, he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to sit still for much longer. All of them got up and Harry tried to insist on helping with the dishes. Bless his kind soul, Louis thought to himself, but was relieved that Renan declined his offer. Watson and Holmes sensed the change in mood and both dogs got up in a jiffy. They also couldn’t wait to go outside, Holmes being especially eager to leave. He was a particular observant dog, sensing tension immediately, which he seemed to feel the need to break by becoming hyperactive. Alex always tried to explain to Renan and Carol that their dog wasn’t bad behaved in particular. He just had a lot of pent-up tension in him, because of the emotion he picked up of the people surrounding him. 

“Let’s go.” Louis said, already opening the door. Watson and Holmes looked patiently at their owners, waiting for the okay to go outside. They rarely used leaches in their neighbourhood. “Yeah, yeah fine. Run off and have fun.” Alex said slightly annoyed, which made Louis realize that he should ease up a bit himself. After all, he was probably the reason for Holmes to be so wired up. “Sorry.” He mumbled, not sure if anyone could even hear him. Carol stepped closer and whispered in his ear: “Ease up. It’s going to be okay.” He took a deep breath and searched for Harry, who, even while putting on his shoes in the hallway, eyed the kitchen, 0bviously feeling guilty for not helping Renan. God he loved that man so much. How could he relax?   
“Bye amor. Love you!” Carol yelled so that her husband could hear her over the running water. And finally all four of them left the house, only seeing the silhouettes of the dogs way ahead of them. 

“Wow, its cold tonight, not sure if it is a good idea to sit outside. Maybe we shouldn't sit at the porch later. We will freeze our tits off." Carol agreed, even after living in England for years she still hated winter. Everything below 10 Celsius was torture for her. "Sure, sounds like a plan." Louis said, not really caring. His steps started to speed more and more and before he knew it he walked a few meters ahead of the others. He didn´t care though. Looking up to the sky he tried to calm himself down. It was indeed a very clear night. Not a single cloud was to be seen. No wonder that the temperature dropped so drastically. 

"It is beautiful innit?"Carol was all of a sudden walking next to him. He hummed in agreement. Neither of them had something further to say, so they just enjoyed the quietness of the night. In summer you could hear the birds giving their night concert, but now that most of them went to fly south it was almost eerie quiet. 

Alex and Harry walked a little further behind, also enjoying the sky. "I always feel weird when I look up at night." Alex stated out of the blue and to her surprise she saw Harry nodding out of the corner of her eye. "It makes me feel so small, even unimportant. As if it wouldn't even matter if I'm here or not. I could vanish and technically it would not matter. I'm just a tiny organism in a huge universe. A little bit of mass that will not be missed." Alex hated to hear something like this from Harry, but who was she to judge. She thought the same things and sometimes she couldn’t help and imagine how it would be if she wasn't there anymore. She also knew that Harry could never mention anything like this in front of Louis. He would freak out. Most people didn't understand that there was a difference between suicidal thoughts and the ones someone has who is just very self aware. Imagining a world without oneself doesn’t necessarily mean that one wants to die. 

Though in Harry's case she wasn't too sure. The last six month have been so hard on him and she didn't want to know how it felt to fight for the ability to move your legs while trying to remember who you even are. Not to mention the constant strain that was put on his mind while Louis was around. He didn't do it on purpose, but Louis could be extremely demanding. He didn't intend to push Harry too far, but his attempts to bring back Harry's memories right after he got back from a coma brought Harry to a breaking point. He was so eager to help that he didn't see what was happening. 

"I never thanked you for-" Alex stopped in her tracks and Harry copied her motion without thinking. She tuned to look him right into the eyes. "Harry, listen to me. And listen very closely." He started chewing on his upper lip, not knowing what to expect. "THAT is something you will never ever thank me for. You have no idea what would have happened if-" She stopped herself, unable to form the words. "If I had killed myself." Harry finished for her. He needed to say it. It was the first time he really talked about it. Besides with his therapist of course, but that old bastard did nothing to help him. Alex looked away, holding back a tear. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking." Harry felt incredibly selfish and tried to grab Alex' hand, but she pulled away and took a few steps back. She looked around, but couldn't see Louis and Carol anywhere. They must be far ahead she thought so she took a deep breath and let out a loud scream. Harry looked at her paralyzed, overwhelmed and completely helpless. After a few seconds in which he only looked at her with pure fear in his eyes. She stepped closer to him again. She rose herself onto tiptoes and hugged him tightly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, but I have to admit, talking about that day brings back so many memories I mastered to suppress over the years. I know you are different though and you need to talk about what happened and I promise you we will. Give me a little time and let's see how this night will go." Harry nodded, a tear falling down his cheek. It broke Alex' heart. "Even though right now it's impossible to imagine, but I think Louis should be part of this particular conversation. You need to get to know each other again, ignoring the entire amnesia thing. There is so much that happened, so much that changed both of you." 

She took Harry's hand and both started walking again. They had no idea how much time had passed, but Louis and Carol already waited impatiently in front of the boys' house. "What the hell happened? We were this close to send the dogs as a search party." Carol said but immediately stopped smiling when she saw Harry's face, one cheek still wet from crying. 

"Nothing. Let's go inside. We should get started. It's going to be a long night as it is. No need to postpone it even more." Alex tried to sound as strong as possible but knew that her voice was shaking. She gave Harry a quick questioning look and he nodded reassuring. All four of them went inside. Watson and Holmes explored the house eagerly. Not paying them much attention the four went into the lounge. It was a big open space with mostly light beige and white colours. Alex knew they had a massive flat screen, but it was hidden in one of the cabinets. Harry never liked to show off. One wall of this room was completely covered by books, which surprisingly belonged mostly to Louis. 

"Please take a seat. I will get something to drink for us." Louis said and walked away. Carol was the first to let herself fall onto the big white leather couch. Harry set right next to her, handing her a blanket. She gratefully took it and snuggled herself in. Alex on the other hand chose to sit on the only armchair. She set down cross-legged and offered the other two a small smile. Louis came back with a tray of glasses and two bottles of water. "Does anyone want some wine or something a little stronger?" He asked but everyone shook their heads. He sat down as well. Silence fell over the room, only Watson and Holmes could be heard in the background, running through the big house. 

"So, where should we start?"


	7. Chapter 7

Alex couldn’t stop staring at the books on the glass table in front of her. She had read the first one already and still, there was a weird feeling in her stomach. Knowing that Louis was the one who wrote it changed everything.  They were planning on reliving the past trough Harry's eyes. And now it was Louis' point of view they had to work with. Not a bad thing in particular, Alex thought. She was quite impressed with Louis' description of the events. It was so vivid and at one point or two Alex felt like she was with the boys in the scene.  

"Before we start going back, can we discuss why and when you have rewritten my journal?" Harry asked quietly, almost shy and Louis kept looking at him. Alex knew how bad he wanted to take him into his arms and hold him as close as humanly possible.

"I'm not sure. It felt right. I couldn’t talk to you at the hospital, at least not like your mom and Gemma, or even my mom and sisters. I felt so helpless, wanting you back but not being able to do something. One day Liam came to visit and kept talking about the _good old days._ He made a joke about you carrying this stupid leather book around, guarding it as if it was your eyeball."  Harry laughed a little. He could not remember that but it sure sounded like something he would do. So much he knew.  "Anyways, that's what gave me the idea. The doctors kept telling me that I was supposed to talk to you and I just couldn’t. What I could do was write things down and read it to you. At least that was the plan. You woke up before I could fulfill the second part and afterwards it didn't seem to be right to do it." Alex, Carol and Harry listened closely. The tension in the room was palpable and still not unconvertible.

“I see, thank you Louis. I appreciate what you did for me." Alex watched both men. Louis seemed so small, she wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. One thing she was sure about was that Harry was okay. More than okay. He needed this and he took in every detail he could gather. Especially from Louis. Memories or no memories, there was a strong connection between the two men and Harry felt it. He might not have been able to categorize his feelings, but they were there and the younger man gave his best to not push them aside. He seemed so eager, which sent a rush of relive through Alex' body.

"I think we can start now." Harry said and Carol grabbed the first journal. They had agreed that for now everyone would read a few pages out loud. No judging, no commenting, just reading and listening. Though Harry had already read all of the books, he still thought it would help if someone else vocalized the story that was his life. After they finished a whole journal they would talk about it and let Harry ask as much as he wanted.

_April 2010_

_I was beyond nervous..._

Louis let the book fall onto his lap. He was the one to finish the last entry, after almost two hours of reading. All four of them became quiet. No one wanted to disturb the atmosphere, letting sink in what they had just heard. "I remember watching your audition over and over again. You were so cute and that smile of yours was just-"

"I can't even, right?" Alex finished Carol's sentence and both women laughed out loud. "Hey! You are talking about me! I'm sure I was just a normal boy amongst hundreds of other."

"Oh no, you were not. You were special and everyone could see it. So kind, so sweet and still surprisingly charming. All the girls fell for you." Louis said, suddenly smiling brightly. "I fell for you. All it took was for you to pee on me and I was utterly in love with you." Harry busted out laughing. Something none of them had heard in a long time. "Right, if _that_ is your thing." He joked and Louis threw a pillow in his direction, missing him only by an inch or two.

Both, Watson and Holmes, who had settled down under the table looked after the flying object.  "Lads can we keep focused, please." Carol tried to contain the others. But it was to no success, as Harry threw another pillow, hitting Louis right on the head. "Ouch, do you want me to lose my memory as well?" He joked. Harry took that comment very well, to Carols and Alex' surprise. The two men seemed to fall into a strange easiness with each other. It was beautiful to watch, Alex thought to herself. That was what she had seen back then. Two silly boys teasing each other without taking everything too serious. "So, the _oops_ and _hi_ thing is real?" Harry asked innocently. Of course he had looked up the main facts. At least there was one upside of having your whole relationship documented on the internet.

"Oh yes it is." Louis said, pointing to the _Hi_ tattoo on the inside of Harry’s upper arm. "I entered the toilets and saw you standing at the urinals. I was considering using one of the stalls, but then again, you were so cute I could not resist talking to you. Admittedly, I could have just waited until you had finished, but patience was and is not my strong suit. So, I stood right next to you and before I could even say something you turned a bit, probably startled by my sudden appearance, and well, let's just say no matter how you shake and dance the last few drops go in your pants, or in your case, on my shoe." Alex closed her eyes and shook her head. Did he really just say that? But giving the fact that Harry was laughing even louder made her forget the embarrassment she felt. It was a hilarious story and just because she was a little prude didn't mean Harry and Louis were. Louis had told her that story before, he just did not have this excitement in his eyes.

She looked at Carol, who had snuggled even deeper into her blanket.  She looked right back at her and both smiled. This was going perfectly. Of course it was only the beginning but it could have been a lot worse.

"I can't believe that you weren’t mad at me. I think I would have shouted at someone who pissed on me. No matter how cute." Harry made a disgusted face and Alex agreed. No person on this planet is cute enough to justify this. "Well, it was such an absurd occasion. I’d just finished my audition and I knew you still had to go. So I had a pretty good idea how you felt. There was so much adrenalin running through my veins I was literally buzzing. When I saw the worried, almost terrified look in your eyes though, I knew I had to do something. So I asked for a picture with you. I will never forget the face you pulled that second." Harry cringed.

"Bet it was super sexy." Louis leaned forward and took Harry's hand in his own. "You were 16, looking even younger, at least in that situation, you seemed like a little child I wanted to protect. Almost like my sisters." Louis stopped and watched Harry closely. Waiting for a sign of rejection, but Harry kept still. He seemed to enjoy Louis' touch. "I hadn’t heard you sing yet, but my intuition told me that you would make it. It may sound incredibly vain, but you looked like a star. Like someone who had the ability to break the industry. I mean I couldn't stop watching you and you only stood in front of me like a shy baby deer. I didn't even dare to imagine you on stage. I hate to say it, but all I could think of was that a lot of girls would go crazy for that curly headed boy with the dimples and I was sure that at least Simon saw that potential. Which he did." He added a little bitter.

"Do you still have the autograph you made me give you?" Louis nodded. Alex knew he had a special little box in their master bedroom in which he kept thing like that. She also saw a festival bracelet once. He told her it was the one from Leeds. Alex’ smiled fondly at that. She suddenly was very sure, even if Harry didn’t regain his memories, those two men will find their way back together.

"Did you see each other in boot camp a lot?" Carol asked. "No, it was crazy. There were so many young people and even though most of them have been nice it was still a competition and everyone tried to concentrate on their performances. Except for Naill maybe, he was all over the place, this little ball of energy." Alex swallowed. She wanted Louis to talk about all the boys, but hearing Niall’s name still made her heart ache. She felt Louis questioning look and gave him a reinsuring nod. "Just keep going." She mouthed silently.

"We met each other once or twice and it was so different from our toilet encounter. I saw a side of you that made my skin tingle." Harry squeezed his hand. "Okay it made me grin like an idiot. You were so kind to everyone and even looking at you from across the room was enough to calm me down. I hated boot camp, because I knew that pretty much everyone had a better voice then me. I needed to persuade the judges otherwise. It wasn't always easy to play the class clown. Even though it was what I had done my entire life." Louis stopped and bit his lips. Harry kept staring at him, his eyes glued to Louis' mouth. All of a sudden he got up and stood right in front of the other man. He seemed not sure what to do. Alex’ and Carol exchanged an uncertain look.

"I wasn't fishing for pity. Sorry I just went down memory lane to far I guess." Louis offered, also completely overwhelmed with the situation. Harry smiled at him softly and sat down on Louis’ lap. Alex didn’t believe her eyes. The whole scenario was surreal but the way the two boys settled in each other’s personal bubble was fascinating. Harry's muscles seemed to remember and Louis' arms slung around the other men’s waist, pulling him closer. Harry buried his face in Louis shoulder and whispered "Is that okay for you? It feels so right."

The room went silent for what seemed to be an eternity. Louis taking in every sent he could gather from the man he had missed so much. Alex and Carol looked at the two and then each other over and over again. Should they leave? Should they say something.

Louis was the first to break the silence. "It is right. We used to do that all the time. Even after you got bigger than me. You have always been the little spoon and I love it. It felt like I could protect you from all the things that got thrown at us. Which was a lot even at the very beginning in the x-factor house. I wanted- Still want to protect you, even though I know you can handle that job by yourself." Harry lifted his head only enough to look Louis in the eyes.

"Your eyes are blue. That's why you had the blue microphone." Louis’ eyes widened. They had not talked about that yet, which meant Harry remembered the microphones. He could only nod. "Mine was green, because of my eyes. Liam’s was red. Zayn’s was yellow and Niall’s was green white orange, the colors of the Ireland flag." Louis nodded enthusiastically. Not only did Harry recite all the other boys he also knew such piffling things as their microphone colors.  "Can you remember all this?" Harry nodded, slowly becoming aware of the fact that he actually could recall something from before the accident. It had happened before, but not like this. “I can see it?” He said almost in a question. “I mean, I have this picture of us in my head. It was an open air thing. It must have been cold, because I was wearing a khaki jumper.”

Alex chuckled. It was almost embarrassing that she knew what concert this was. “Glasgow May 2014.” She just said blushing seeing the looks on her friends faces. “Well, I watched a lot of old videos of you guys lately.” She clarified and Carol nodded. She had done the same, but concentrated more on the Larry videos. “What else do you remember?” Louis tried not to sound too pushy, but he just wasn’t able to hide his excitement. Harry closed his eyes. The other three could see how hard he was trying to gather more information from his memory.

“I’m sorry. There is nothing.” He clenched his eyes. “I’m getting a headache. Sorry guys.”

Louis took his hand again. “No! Harry its fine. This is amazing. There is something. I’m so proud of you.” Louis gave his hand a brief kiss. “I guess we should call it a night. I’m not sure if continuing with a headache is a good idea.” Carol said and stood up, already calling Holmes and Watson. Both dogs had fallen asleep under the table. She looked at Alex and waited for a reaction from her friend, but the German couldn’t move. “Harry, what else do you remember from that day?”

“Like I said, not much. The microphones and the hoodie. Why are you asking?” Alex didn’t know how to phrase what she thought. She got up as well and simply smiled. “Nothing! Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.” She took in Louis gaze. He knew she was lying and she knew that he knew, but it didn’t matter at the moment. “We really should go. Get some rest guys and we will continue tomorrow. Breakfast at my place?” She offered a little too happily. Everyone who knew her just a little bit saw that she faked it. “Sure! We will be there at 10 am?” Louis said trying to read her expression.  “Ten it is, let’s go Carol. Maybe we can make a little detour for the dogs to stretch their legs.” Carol only nodded and followed her friend outside, leaving Louis and Harry baffled behind.

“What the hell was this all about?” Carol grabbed the other woman’s arm and turned her around. Alex shrugged her shoulders. “I can’t explain it. It’s stupid. I’m sorry I don’t know what was going on. I need a bit to organize my thoughts. Do you mind taking Watson home with you? I want to take a walk, alone.”

Carol looked at her phone and sighed. It was quarter past 2 am. “Alex, it is in the middle of the night. I know this is a safe area, but still. I don’t feel comfortable.” Alex knew that her friend was right, but she decided to ignore that. She looked at her with a sweet smile and the Brazilin gave in, knowing she didn’t stand a chance. “Fine, at least text me when you get home. You have until 5. After that I’ll sent Renan to search for you!” Almost three hours? Alex thought that was enough. After a soft pet on Watsons head both women parted their ways. Carol walking home and Alex waiting until she was out of sight. She didn’t know where she wanted to go, so she stood for a while on the sidewalk and looked into the night sky.

~~~~~

“What do you think was all this about?” Harry asked, sitting down on the couch again. Louis sat next to him. “I have no idea, probably nothing. You know her. She has this crazy habit of reading too much into things. And she is a drama queen after all.” Harry nodded, though he wasn’t convinced. Yes, Alex tends to be a little over dramatic, but she was almost always right. Not a lot of people had seen so much in life as she had and most people didn’t care so much for others as the German did. “You are right.” He said, deciding to drop the subject. Not because he was convinced, but more because he felt the need to do something else.

He took Louis’ hand into his own, the same way he had done all night. Their fingers entwined effortlessly. Muscle memory is a fascinating thing, Louis thought, but didn’t say anything. He wanted to know where this would lead. Harry got up in a smooth motion, pulling Louis up with him. Both men faced each other. Not sure what to do they stood in complete silence, not letting go of each other’s hands. The lounge was bathed in a warm light from the background lighting.

After what seemed to be an eternity, Louis carefully took a step forward. He didn’t want to scare Harry away. So he stopped after only a few inches. “It’s okay. I want this.” Harry whispered. Louis took another step forward. Now standing close enough to feel Harry’s breath on his face. The younger man licked his lips and it drove Louis crazy, realizing that he missed this more than he liked to acknowledge. He bit his own lower lip, which seemed to be too much for Harry. His mouth crashed without warning onto Louis’. Louis started playfully to lick Harry’s lips until he parted them to invite him. It felt to both like the first and last kiss they shared. Both being shy and reserved, but still knowing exactly what the other liked.  Louis brought his hands up into Harry’s long hair, which earned him a low moan. All of a sudden it felt like nothing ever had happened. Harry pulled away just for a second. “Bedroom! Now!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a conversation about suicide! If that’s a trigger, please skip that one.

Alex walked aimlessly through the neighbourhood. She wanted to kick herself for her own behaviour. Why couldn’t she just shut her brain down, at least for one evening? This was important and she had to over think the whole situation. Harry was so proud of himself and Alex felt like she took that away from him. That wasn’t fair. The whole point of this evening was to help them and not to outface Harry. It was difficult as it was even without, as Louis always says, her making a mountain out of a molehill. She took out her phone and considered for a second to dial the only number she had memorized, not caring about the digits in the left corner of the display. It wasn’t like the person wasn’t used to late night calls. 

Alex shook her head. No, that was a terrible idea. This whole day was not about her. It was about Harry and Louis and calling her ex would not help her focus on this. If anything it would make her feel even worse. Bringing up old guilt she had buried so deep. Alex wasn’t lying when she told Harry that they would talk about the day he was trying to take his own life, but she wasn’t ready. And that was the most selfish thing. This is not about you! She told herself again. 

Alex shoved the phone back into her jeans pocket and sighed, the cold air forming a little cloud in front of her mouth. She looked down the street and realized that she was walking in a circle, almost reaching Louis and Harry’s house again. Alex walked, almost without thinking towards the lake. She knew she had to text Carol in less than half an hour, but a few more minutes at the lake wouldn’t hurt. It was her favourite place lately. The water being strangely soothing and the smell of the moist ground made her feel relaxed, something most people didn’t understand.

Approaching the bench, she spent so many hours on just sitting and observing or writing, she saw someone sitting on it. It was too dark to make out any significant features, so she slowly walked closer. “Hello?” She said quietly, not wanting to scare the other person. “Alex? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you and Carol went home.” Hearing Louis’ voice shook her to her core. She walked around the bench and stood in front of him. Not even able to say something. “Sit down, you are making me nervous.” Alex raised an eyebrow, but obeyed. 

“So, what are you doing here?” Louis tried again. “What I’m doing here? Louis are you fucking kidding me?” Alex almost screamed but the man next to her didn’t even twitch. Instead he stayed quiet, almost as if he waited for her to say or do something. Alex became more and more annoyed. “Oh you know I’m doing nothing special here. Just walking around in the darkness because that’s what sane people with no issues do, you know.” Louis snorted a bit. “Very true. So I guess we both are sane people with absolutely no problems? I like that idea.” Alex stood up, a rush of adrenalin running through her body.

“Louis, cut the crap, what’s going on? I’m worried.” He smiled at her briefly. “I know. I’m sorry. Please sit down. You really drive me crazy.” Alex let herself once again sink next to him. 

“We’ve had sex.” Louis said bluntly staring at the ground. Alex had no idea how to react to that. To her it sounded like a good thing, but watching Louis she knew he felt differently. “Okay? And that’s not good because?” 

“Because it’s the worst timing. I felt like taking advantage of someone who doesn’t really know what he was doing.” Alex wasn’t sure if she understood. Sure Harry had lost his memories and it was still a long way until he was his old self, but he knew what he wanted and he had no problem with saying no. Harry wasn’t as fragile as Louis thought. Something she had told him many times. 

“You and Harry have a ridiculously close bond, memory or no memory. If I’m honest with you, I was waiting for this to happen. You had to go through so much and still found a way back to each other. Every damn time. That’s not something a lot of couples can say about themselves. I’m sure Harry wanted it as much as you, if not even more. You can’t even imagine how much he craved your physical presence. That’s why he sat on your lap earlier. He wanted to touch you. Feel and smell you. It probably helps him.” She stopped for a second smiling at him. She only just remembered that she read about skin on skin contact in therapy. It helps to build new synapses which can then replace the ones that broke. “I’m not sure if I remember everything correctly but I think we should keep that in mind and maybe we can use it. Having you sit together without shirt later.” She half joked, feeling Louis relax at least a little bit. 

“May I ask why you are here now? I mean you and Harry just had sex. Did you wait until he fell asleep and then sneaked out like a crappy one night stand?” She gave her best to not let this sound judgemental. But Alex was not sure what to make out of this. Louis should be in bed, cuddling his husband and not sitting in the dark on a bench talking to her. 

“I know why you were upset earlier.” Louis whispered. Alex felt that he didn’t want to remember the aftermath of that particular concert. Louis had told her a lot about the breakups the two men had over the years. And even though they indeed always found a way back to each other, it must have been hard to remember the moments when it wasn’t clear if that would be the case this time. 

“Alex, I’m scared that he only remembers the bad things. Or, that only terrible situations trigger his memory. Do you know what I mean?” Alex nodded. “That’s what upset me earlier. I was thinking the same.” Both sat in silence, staring into the dark until they heard steps behind them. Alex being the first to turn around, she recognised the shape that came closer. 

“Fuck, Renan! I’m so sorry. I lost track of time and I knew how worried Carol is. And I’m sorry you had to come down here.” She meant it but felt relieved when she saw an honest grin on the man’s face. “Oh Alex, I know. I know. Don’t you worry. I calmed her down. She fell asleep even before five. So she doesn’t technically know that you didn’t text in time. I just thought I should check on you. Better safe than sorry, you know.” Alex was overwhelmed by Renan’s kindness. That man was too good for this planet. He and Harry had a lot in common. 

“Right. Thank you! I promise to go home right away. No detours.” She looked at Louis, who got up as well. He walked closer and reached for Renan’s hand. “Thanks man. That’s incredibly nice of you. I will go home as well. See if Harry is still asleep.” With that, Louis walked to his house, turning around once to wave at them. 

“I will walk you home.” Renan said in the friendliest tone, but Alex knew better than to object. 

~~~~~

Louis walked into the backdoor of the house, trying to be as quiet as possible. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Harry to be awake or not. He felt guilty for leaving right after they had sex. Alex was right, that’s what crappy one night stands did. People who didn’t care about the other person. And that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Harry used to say “I love you so much it hurts.” And even though Louis always hit him for such a cliché comment, he now knew that it was possible. The older man felt a subtle stabbing pain in his chest every time he looked at Harry these days, wanting him close and at the same time keeping him safe from him. Louis had his own issues, which he didn’t want to burden Harry with. 

“Where have you been? I was worried.” Harry came closer and slung his arms around Louis’ waist. There was no anger in his voice. Relieved, he let himself sink into the hug. “I’m sorry. I had to clear my head. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said quietly into the other man’s ear. 

“Hm. Wasn’t scared. I knew something was going through your head. I know you Lou, don’t forget this.” Harry sounded so sleepy that Louis wasn’t sure if he really was awake enough to know what he just said. Though right now he didn’t care. It felt right being here in his husband’s arms. Feeling his embrace, taking in his after sex scent and just being held as close as possible. “Let’s go to bed, you feel cold.” Harry guided them into their bedroom. Louis wasn’t able to move, both his hands slung around Harry’s wrists. He didn’t want to let go, not wanting to lose him. “Louis, I have you, please relax, you are hurting me.” All of a sudden he snapped out of his trance. He looked into Harry’s dark eyes, not able to make out the beautiful green he knew he could get lost in. 

The room was way too dark. Louis hated it. He felt uneasy. His throat becoming tighter. Louis couldn’t breathe. He tried to focus. Focusing on Harry. He was saying something. Louis couldn’t hear him. He felt a tear rolling down his cheek. What was going on?

“Lou, baby, calm down! It’s fine. We are fine. I’m fine. Please look at me.” Louis opened his eyes, not even remembering closing them. Harry had turned on the little light on his bedside table. Now he was able to make out the green in his husband’s eyes and he felt himself relax, Harry’s hand drawing circles on the back of his own. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.” Louis croaked , breath still a little ragged. “It’s fine, really. Lou, it’s weird but I kinda knew what to do. It’s like my subconscious took over. Are you better now? Do you need a drink?” Louis shook his head. All he needed was Harry close to him, so he pulled the younger man down on the bed. Both falling on their backs. “That’s what scares me so much. You only seem to remember the bad things.” Louis mumbled into the crook of Harry’s neck. Harry pulled away slightly and gave him a questioning look. “What do you mean?” 

“The thing with the microphones. After that show, we had a huge fight and-“

“What happened after that show?”Harry encouraged him. “We broke up. It wasn’t the first time, but it was one of the worst ones. I was so stubborn and so angry at everything. And I blamed everything on you. Believe me I hate myself for that. I just-“ 

“Shut up. Lou, I’m sure it wasn’t just your fault and I don’t want to hear anything like that again. There is no reason to hate yourself. Never! You understand?” Louis nodded. 

“But the point here is, I don’t remember the fight or the break up. I remembered how much I love your eyes and that they are the reason for the colours on our microphones. I also remember parts of our wedding.” Louis looked at him with wide eyes. “You what?” Harry nodded. “Yes. I meant to tell you, but then everything went a little crazy. It’s not much, Just how you walked down the aisle, tears in your eyes and grinning from ear to ear. You wore a dark grey suit and I remember seeing the red suspenders peaking out of the jacket.” Louis laughed. The suspenders where a surprise for Harry. “Lotti convinced me that they would drive you crazy.” 

“I’m sure they did. I goggled old pictures of us the other day. You looked so damn cute in them and your red pants.” Louis cringed. “Those stupid red pants. They made me look so gay. I still don’t get why they made me wear them and still tried to sell the hetero Louis tm to the fans and media.” Harry felt the need to comfort him so he rolled to his side and slung his leg around Louis, who just let his limbs entwine with Harry’s. 

“When was the last time you had a panic attack?” Louis though hard. It had indeed been many years. 

“Not sure if that was the last time, but it’s the last one I remember clearly. It was our coming out. We did an interview with James and the whole situation was just too much for me. Things hadn’t been good between us for a while and we needed this. We needed to clear everything. You calmed me down, just like you did earlier.” 

“Oh please tell me the story. I have seen the interview, but what was the whole day like?” 

“Fine Harold. I will tell you the story. But not now. Alex and Carol would be mad if we continued our journey without them. And besides that, we both need a shower and a little sleep.” Louis looked at the clock next to the bed, the light Harry turned on earlier just bright enough to read the retro alarm clock. Half past six. That meant barely three hours sleep until they would have to get up again, if they wanted to be on time at Alex’. Even less if they showered now. But Harry was already on his way to the ensuite bathroom so Louis followed him with anticipation. He took off his clothes and dropped them in front of the bathroom door. Harry turned around and let his eyes wonder over the man in front of him.

“Well, I guess sharing a shower both saves water and time.”


	9. Chapter 9

Looking at her phone for the tenth time, Alex realized that sleep kept eluding her. “8:28 am. Well, better get up,” she thought to herself. It wouldn’t help if she kept tossing and turning around in bed. So she got up and walked into the kitchen. The sun was already trying to fight its way through the heavy clouds. Alex couldn’t help but look at her phone again. She really wanted to call Samantha. It has been a long time since she felt the urge to talk to her ex wife, but everything that happened in the last few days made her feel like this time she could handle it. She wouldn’t fall back into old habits.

Alex grabbed the phone and dialled the memorized number, holding her breath until the familiar voice chimed in her ear. “Alex? Are you okay?” Alex smiled sadly. Even after everything that had happened between the two women, Sam was always worried about her ex and she was always willing to leave everything behind to be there for her. Alex hated it, she didn’t deserve such kindness, not from her at least.

“Alex? Are you there? What happened?”

“Hey! Ehm No, nothing happened. Hi?” She stuttered into her phone. “Well then, Hi Alexandra.” Sam half laughed into the speaker.

“Are you busy?” Alex asked, already regretting this call. What did she want from her? She had nothing to say.

“No, I’m sitting in my kitchen and enjoying my morning coffee. What about you? You sound tired? Are you having trouble sleeping again?” The worry in her voice was genuine and Alex could slap herself for that. “No, I’m really fine. Watson just wanted to have an extra early round today. I think he likes to lick the rime of the leaves.” She lied without even thinking, looking at the beagle to her feet. He sure wouldn’t mind to be used as an excuse.

“I see, are you having a, wait how do you say it in German? An _Altweibersommer_?” Alex laughed at her pronunciation. “No not yet, autumn just started. _Alterweibersommer_ is something at the end of autumn, right before winter when the weather is getting nice again for a few days.”

“Right, I always loved it. It was such a peaceful time.”

“Oh really? I remember you complaining about the moist air that messed up your hair and the cold wet ground that soaked you shoes. You hated to walk with me through the woods in the morning.”

“Only because you always got up at ass o clock. Besides that I only remember the beautiful warm colours and the rime on the spider webs, which made them almost sparkle. It was nice. And I liked to watch you sit on your favourite tree bole, next to the lake. With your notebook on your knees. The paper was so curled you had trouble closing it. You looked so pretty and peaceful. It was like the light, the lake and the warm colours around you took everything away that made you so-“

 

“ _Me_.” Alex finished. She remembered the lake in her hometown in Germany. She wrote her first published short story there. “Yes. _You_.” Sam said quietly. “Alex, I would like to meet you. And if our conversation is an indicator, you want this as well, am I right?”

“How do you do this? You have always been so smart, reading me like no one else.”

  
“Well, I also loved you more than anyone else. Please never forget _or_ doubt that.”  Alex swallowed dry.

“Never!” She whispered.   
  
“Let’s meet next week. I’m intrigued to see the great area you live in now. Judging by your last novel, it must be a killer place, pun intended.”   
  
“Ha, right, I forgot about your love for puns. I seem to attract people with this relish. But next week sounds great. Friday? I will text you the address.”

“Deal. I’ll see you Friday.” Alex was about to hang up when she heard Sam calling her name again.

“Wait what did you say?” She asked, obviously having missed the last few words.

  
“I said, thank you for calling and stay safe.”

  
“You too. See you.” With that she hung up and let herself fall onto the ground, Watson immediately all over her. “Don’t worry buddy. I’m fine. It was a good thing. Believe me. You will like Sam. She is precious.” She stroked the dog’s head for a while, not even bothering to get up. She just lay on the kitchen floor and looked into Watson’s eyes. Was this going too fast? A five minutes call and they would meet? Alex wasn’t sure if she did the right thing, but everything about this felt good. She and Sam fell back into their old behaviour so damn quickly it amazed Alex. No awkward silence, nothing, just old banter and nice memories.

“Alex? Are you there?” Alex got up in shock. She looked at her phone. It was half past nine. “What the hell? Are you okay? What happened?” Carol looked at her with wide, worried filled eyes.

“Seems to be the tune of the day.” She commented looking at her friend with a bright smile.

  
“What tune? What are you talking about?”

“Never mind. Sorry, you are early.”

“Yeah I thought I would bring a few things. I wasn’t sure if you had everything. And coffee doesn’t really belong to your essentials.” She pulled out a fresh pack of expensive looking coffee, not that Alex could tell. “Thanks, you are perfect. I don’t think I have any. But I do have fresh bananas.” She said proudly and pointed to the fruit ball on the counter. “Yeah, I have seen these the other day. Let’s just say they are a little too fresh for my taste.” Of course, Alex thought, she was the only one who ate the fruit while it still was greenish. Carol and Harry preferred them yellow/ brown. And Louis hated the fruit all together.

Both women started preparing breakfast without much talking. It felt natural to them to just be domestic.

“Renan told me that he found you and Louis at the lake last night. Is he okay?” Alex only hummed in acknowledgment. “Is that all I get? You can be a real pain in the arse.” Both women laughed. “I know. Sorry. It was just a strange night. But yeah, Louis is okay I think. They are much closer than before. It’s amazing.”

“Great. I had the same impression, before we left. We are making progress.” She said a little proud and Alex could only smile.

“Good morning, Ladies.” Harry shouted from the entrance.

 “It’s about time, you are almost twenty minutes late boys.” Alex walked past her friend and into the living room to greet her guests. Both looked beyond tired and Alex could only guess why. She stepped closer and let both men hug her. There was no chance of fighting it today so she obeyed without asking. Carol right behind her, taking first Harry and then Louis into a tight hug. “Good morning to you, too. I hope you got at least a bit of sleep.” She chimed. Alex watched Harry blush. She turned to Louis and mouthed: _“I didn’t tell her anything.”_ He understood and gave Harry a little sign. He seemed to understand immediately and nodded.

“Let’s have breakfast first and then we continue reading, shall we?” Carol offered and motioned to the kitchen table. “Breakfast sounds great. But actually we have something else we want to go through today. Louis and I had an interesting conversation last night and I would like to hear the story of the day we came out.” Carol’s eye lit up. She loved that interview, but even she never heard the story of the day itself. 

“Great idea, lads.”

 

~~~~~

 

“For the last time, I’m not taking my foocking shirt off. Leave me alone.” Louis bleated, which left a frowning Alex behind. Carol observed the scene with a questioning look on her face. “Why the hell would he take off his shirt?” She asked Harry who stood next to her with his hands already on the hem of his own t-shirt.

  
“I read that skin on skin contact can help with memory lost. The feeling of someone’s familiar skin helps the patient in some scientific way, I can’t quite remember right now.” She tried to urge Louis who seemed to be more and more annoyed with her.

Carol smiled brightly. She definitely would not mind seeing both men topless. “What are you afraid of Louis? That you are not attractive enough for you hubby anymore?” Alex was almost sure that she went too far with that, judging by Louis’ narrowed eyes. _If looks could kill,_ she thought to herself.

“Well, he didn’t seem to mind last night.” Louis teased instead of freaking out. Carol’s mouth fell open. Alex watched her friend in amusement. Now she knew as well. “Please no details. I just had breakfast. And okay you won. Leave your shirts on. I don’t want you guys to get it on in my living room anyways.”

“What? Does that mean you don’t want us to re-enact one of Carol’s old fanfics?” Harry took over and Alex threw a pillow at him. “Ah pillow fight, I see you want to do the garden one.”

“Can we please concentrate on the matter at hand? No one is having sex in my house today! Is that clear? And now let’s get started.” Louis stepped closer to Alex and slung his arm around her. “Why so prudish? Admit it, you have read one or another smut fic about us as well?”

“I never denied that my dear Loubear, but I don’t feel the desire to watch you two. Thank you very much.”

The four of them finally sat down, Louis and Harry as close as possible. “Before we start, just to be clear. You had sex last night?” Carol tried to clarify, being only a little pissed at being left out of this inside joke. Louis and Harry sheepishly nodded.  “And you knew about it?” Alex grinned. “Sorry, I couldn’t tell you. It wouldn’t have been right. But now we will start. All right?”

Louis took a deep breath. This was his story and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell it, though he owed it to Harry. He took his husband’s hand and smiled, before he began to tell this story.

 

~~~~~

 

late 2016

 

Louis looked into the mirror. The reflection didn’t change. Why would it?

And there is one thing that Louis was sure of. It won’t be any different tomorrow either.  A lot of things will have changed. But not him. And certainly not Harry.

Louis sighed and told himself:  “Let’s do this!”

“What are you saying?” He heard Harry shout from the kitchen of their shared LA home.

Louis smiled.  “It’s real and it’s going to happen. Today!” He mumbled to himself as he hopped down the stairs.

“Please tell me you have a secret lover hidden in the upstairs bathroom. I’m not sure if I could live with a man who talks to himself.”  Louis took in the sight in front of him. Harry was sitting on the big wooden table, sipping on one of his terribly healthy green smoothies. He flashed him his unmistakable dimply smile while offering him a sip. 

“Well, my dear Harold, and I’m not sure if I can spend the rest of my life with a guy who drinks green slime every morning. It’s disgusting!” He bent down to kiss the top of Harry’s head. “Are you ready?” The younger man stood up and slung his arms around Louis.  “I have never been more ready.”

Arriving at the studio made Louis’ skin tingle almost painfully with anticipation. He looked at Harry and smiled. How could he be so calm? The younger man’s grin radiated over his entire face.  He almost danced through the entrance.

“James! It’s so great to see you!” He chimed. James Corden took first Harry and then Louis into a tight hug. “Boys, it’s even better to see you. Let’s do this!”

Louis looked around. Under normal circumstances a lot of people would walk hectically around, preparing something, shouting at some poor interns. But right now the studio seemed almost abandoned.  He could see only one camera man and one audio guy, who seemed to be responsible for the cables as well.  The second job was definitely something he had no experience with, giving the fact that the camera man kept falling over the mess of wires on the ground. Louis nervously snickered. So he was not the only one today that had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

He looked around and saw Harry slowly wandering off with James, chatting happily.

Of cause he knew WHAT was going to _happen_ today. But he was not sure what exactly he was doing and most importantly HOW he was going to do it.

Louis let out a deep breath _. Just put the last 5 years into words. That’s it. It’s as simple as that_.

He started shaking slightly. He knew too well that, unless something would distract him in the next minute or so, he would have a full blown panic attack.

“It’s okay, Lou. Take a deep breath.” He felt a strong hand on his arm. All of a sudden Harry was standing next to him. Looking at him with a worried but knowing expression.  They knew each other for so long that Harry was always able to sense when his boyfriend was about to lose it. “I’m sorry Harry. I just-“

“Shut up. It’s okay. I’m nervous too.” Harry confessed almost in a mocking tone. Trying to lighten the mood. He led his fingers slowly slight down Louis’ arm.  His hand stopped as soon as he reached his lover’s wrist. Their fingers entwined almost automatically.  Louis smiled. “How come that I can’t tell that.” He mumbled bitterly, the words leaving his mouth involuntary.  Harry stopped in his tracks and turned to look Louis directly in the eyes. 

“Listen Lou, I know this is crazy. We have been waiting for this for so long. We have, as they say, been through hell and back more than once.” Harry stopped for a moment to put his arms around Louis’ torso. They knew it was an odd way to hug each other giving the fact that Harry was considerably taller, but it was just the way they always did this. And it simply felt so right for them.

“All of this sounds like a terrible cliché or a horrible movie but for us its reality. And right now, right here, we can write our own ending.” Louis buried his face in Harry’s shoulder.

“Beginning” he mumbled again. Harry grinned. “You are right. This is not the end-“

“Don’t even think about it Styles. If you start singing, I leave.”

They both started laughing and Harry’s face lit up again. “I’m as nervous as you are Lou, but I guess I also am too excited. “ He let go of Louis and stepped away a few inches. “I want to scream. I want to dance and sing and hug you and never ever let go.”  Louis’ smile froze. He felt so incredibly guilty for not being as enthusiastic as his boyfriend.

 “No. No. Lou. I know you are happy as well. And I know that this-“he gestured around the almost empty studio with James standing a few feet away, talking to what seemed to be a lightning technician “is so much more important for you than for anybody else.” He closed the gap between them in a fast motion and slung his arms around Louis just like he did a few moments before. “Please don’t worry. I know it’s hard and I can only imagine what’s going on inside this head of yours. But we have been through this. We are ready.” Harry said slowly and firm.

When they first got the okay from their new management, Louis was the one to absolutely freak out. He was jumping around the house. Shouting from the top of his lungs.

The anxiety started to build up as soon as they began planning the interview and everything around it. Louis was aware of how huge this was going to be and he was scared. They could give the fans and everyone who cared just enough information to confirm “Larry”. But their old management made sure that they did not spill the entire story. Those fuckers still had control over them, which made Louis angry. He wanted to tell the world what Modest did to them. He wanted to break down every single lie the boys had to tell.

The strangest part was that he was happy, truly happy, that he and Harry could finally come out as a couple. But he feared the reactions. Not the homophobic ones. He was used to those. But Louis was so scared of people who could not understand why they kept pretending for so long. 

With all the beards, lies and the stories that have been published about them, Louis sometimes felt like they lost themselves in a portrait, painted by someone who did not really know them. How was he going to explain himself to others if he wasn’t a hundred percent sure who or what Louis Tomlinson actually was?

“Boys? Everything is ready, so if you are-“ James slowly came closer. He didn’t intend to interrupt the moment, but he also wanted to get going. Harry let go of Louis’ body and grabbed his hand. He softly kissed his fingertips and smiled. “Are you going to be okay?” he half whispered and Louis nodded.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo there is some smut in this one...but not really. hehe.

Louis stopped talking, his voice shaking. He looked into Harry’s with tears sparkling eyes. “I love you.” He mouthed and Harry leaned down a little to kiss him. “I love you, too.” He whispered so that only Louis could hear him.

Feeling like an intruder, Alex got up and walked into the kitchen. Carol followed her immediately. “They have something very special. I’m jealous.” The German half jokes. Carol only hummed in agreement. Both women silently decided to give Louis and Harry some time to themselves. It felt wrong to just sit there and watch this intimate moment. Even though Carol wouldn’t mind so much, Alex was sure.

“I called Sam this morning.” Carol looked at her friend with wide eyes. She knew very little about Alex’ ex wife and she never dared to ask. Even now she was not sure how to react. “She is coming over next week. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I think I’m excited.”

“It is a good thing, I agree. I wish I could give you some advice, but I can’t. And you would ignore it anyways. So what’s the point?”  Alex shook her head and smiled. She did not expect this kind of reaction, but she was so grateful for it. “Come here. I feel the terrible urge to hug you.” Carol obeyed immediately.

“Ehm, Carol you are married, don’t forget that.” Both women tuned to see Harry and Louis standing there smiling wildly. She walked over to Louis and gave him a little nudge with her elbow.  “We gave you some privacy, why can’t you do the same for us?”

“What if we didn’t want privacy?” Louis teased back. Alex couldn’t help it anymore, she burst out into loud laughter.  “I’m sure Carol would love to watch you guys, but I’m not so keen on witnessing this.” Trying to catch her breath, Alex let herself fall onto the sofa, followed by the others. Louis and Harry sat down snuggled against each other. Their hands entwined, Alex was almost concerned that they wouldn’t be able to undo that knot of fingers. But she was also sure that even this wouldn’t be a problem for the two men. They’d find a way of making it work.

“I want to ask something, but I’m not sure if I should.” Harry said quietly, tensing up again. Louis took his hand and kissed every single knuckle. “Go ahead. You can ask whatever you want.” He tried to encourage his husband, knowing how much he still struggled with combining all the information.

  
“I don’t want to ruin the mood. This-“ He gave him a quick kiss on the lips, “feels so amazing.” Louis agreed and hugs him a little tighter. “But there is something I found in the journals and on the internet-“ Harry looked at Louis almost as if he hoped that he wouldn’t need to finish the sentence, but Louis had no idea what he was on about. So he only gave him an apologizing smile.

Harry took a deep breath. “What happened to Niall?” Louis sighed. He missed Niall every day. And Louis was sure, that if he was still with them a lot of things would have been different. A lot of people called the Irish man a _ball of sunshine_. And there was no better description of him.

Niall was the kind of man who saw something good in everything. No matter how bad the situation was or how terrible someone felt, Niall found a way to lighten the mood. He didn’t even need to try hard. It was in him and nothing could take that away. Almost nothing.

“He was so loud, you wouldn’t believe it. His laughter was the greatest thing to hear when you where in a bad mood. He looked at you with his crooked smile and you simply had to smile back. Everyone liked him. Niall was just the most uncomplicated person in the world.”

Harry studied the faces around him. He had no trouble believing what Louis told him. After reading his journals and watching endless videos of the band on YouTube, Harry had a feeling that Niall was a great guy. That’s what made it hurt even more that he couldn’t remember him.

“I wrote in one of my later journals something about him being my best man at the wedding. Have we been particularly close?”

Louis thought for a moment. He had no idea how to explain a thing that took him years and years to process.

“One word: Management.” Alex said as if it was self-explanatory. And it somehow was. Management being the ones that made Harry and Niall interact with each other while Louis and Liam posed as the new dream team, in a non homo way, of course.

 Harry nodded. He didn’t completely understand, but this was something they could come back to later. He wanted to know about Niall’s death. May it hurt or not. To him it felt like a big puzzle piece he needed to place on the board.

“Alex is right, Modest was behind so much back then. I think I kinda lost track. The most important thing is: you and Niall got along so well and it helped us get through this. He was there for you, for all of us. I’m still grateful for his stupid jokes and his unique ability to cheer us up at any moment.”

“So, what exactly happened? I read it was an accident, but there was not much to find.”

“He died happy.” Louis bitterly smiled to himself. “There are just too many clichés in our story, but it’s true. During our break, he travelled, played golf and just lived his life. He was happy, happier than ever. Every time we texted him, he was in a different place on this planet.” Louis looked aimlessly around the room. He wanted to continue but he had no idea how.

He seemed lost and Carol could see it. “Right after your wedding, he went on a trip to Bolivia.” She started, trying to help Louis. Harry looked back and forth between the two. He felt the tension in Louis’ muscles and he hated to put Louis under so much pressure. Maybe this was not a good idea.

  
“He wanted to see more than just the tourist spots, so he rented a car and drove off on his own.” This times Alex stepped in. Louis and her had talked about Niall more than once and Louis had told her everything he knew.

“He took the _el camino de la muerte_ ”

“Deathroad.” Harry whispered.

“Right, the road between La Paz and Coroico.” Alex looked to the ground. Louis had shown her the pictures Niall sent him right before his car slid down the abyss.

“It had rained the day before. The report said that there was no one else on the street-“

Harry held up his hand. He had read the report that the local police published back then. “Can I see the pictures he sent you?” He directly addressed Louis this time, who didn’t move. Harry took his cheeks into both hands. “Lou? I’m sorry, should we stop?” He asked softly, but Louis still didn’t move. He just stared into the room. Harry softly kissed his temple.  He felt bad for bringing this up.

“He was happy. He did what he wanted. He stayed away from all the mess that was _our_ lives. He just did what he wanted and was so happy.” Louis said after a while in silence, trying not to cry. His voice was raspy from the effort. They promised Niall’s family at the funeral that they would never be sad remembering him. He wouldn’t have wanted this-” Silence filled the room again, but only for a few moments.

“I have the pictures printed out at home. Having them on the phone didn’t feel right. I didn’t want them to get leaked. He sent them to me, and it is the last thing I have from him. The last thing WE have from him.” Harry understood and gave Louis another kiss on the cheek 

“Let’s go home, shall we?” Harry offered. Alex and Carol nodded. They had come pretty far today and even though it hurt, it was right to talk about Niall.

On their way home, both men walked in silence. The sun stood still high on this afternoon. It was windy, which let the orange and red leaves sway back and forth. Harry listened closely to the rustling. He inhaled the fresh cool air. He felt lighter today then he had in the last couple weeks. He smiled to himself. It was a great feeling. He still could not remember much, but something was lifted off him today. He looked at Louis and a sudden rush of guilt went through his body. He took his husband’s hand into his and squeezed it softly. Louis gave him a weak smile back, trying to tell him everything was alright.

“I will take a quick shower, maybe we could eat something afterwards.” Louis said as they entered their house. Harry first hummed in agreement, but then grabbed Louis’ arm and kissed him without hesitation. Louis froze, not knowing if he wanted to do this, but his body decided for him. He pressed Harry back against the door and let his tongue work against Harry’s lips. Louis liked to take control and Harry was more than happy to let himself fall.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Louis asked one last time. Harry moaned. None of them like much talking during sex, and after over 25 years of being a couple, they knew what they wanted and what not.

Louis led them into their bedroom, slamming the door shut with his foot. He started to trace kisses along Harry’s neck and felt every shiver that went to the younger man’s body. He loved that he had this effect on him, even after so many years. Harry let out another loud moan, while Louis’ hands wandered over his chest, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He took in Harry’s smell and moaned a little himself. The feeling of his soft skin and his fresh smell alone was enough to make him semi hard. Louis knew that Harry was in no better position. He could feel the tell tale bulge in his husband’s skinny jeans, which encouraged him even more.

After Harry’s shirt fell to the ground, Louis’ eyes lingered for a second over the other man’s chest. The tattoos had faded only a little, but they still told their story. A story they could not tell themselves, so they used their bodies to speak up. His fingers traced the birds, while looking into Harry’s eyes. He smiled back and gave him another passionate kiss until Louis decided it was time for him to take the upperhand again. He pushed Harry onto the bed. He now set on the edge, his feet barley touching the ground to support him.

Louis managed to unbutton the younger man’s jeans while kissing him, letting their tongues dance together.  He was pleased to see that Harry was not wearing any underwear. So he immediately had access to his cock that slammed almost violently against his flat stomach. He grabbed Harry’s hard member and gave it a few lazy pumps.

Harry’s breath became more laboured and Louis smiled to himself. He stepped away from the bed and looked down at the man in front of him, already looking completely flustered and oh so fuckable. He licked his lips and slowly pulled his shirt over his head, not leaving Harry’s sight. Smiling smugly, he undid his own jeans and moaned in relief when his own cock sprung free. Harry let his head fall back at this sight, but Louis wasn’t going to let this happen. He wanted to look into his eyes. Nonstop. He needed to see the sparkling green that made him feel safe. He stepped closer again and took Harry’s long legs between his own, half sitting on his lap. He ran his hands through his lover’s locks.  He started to kiss his way up Harry’s body, swaying his own with the waves of pleasure he was giving his husband.

“This is going to be good.” He mouthed and both fell into the same rhythm of movements and moaning.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: I will post a little “bonus” chapter that will deal with Alex’ plot, but I thought this might not be interesting for everyone. 
> 
> I really would like to come back one day to this story, but for now it is finished. I hope you enjoyed it.

Harry was the first to wake up the next morning. He looked to his left and smiled. Louis lay flat on his stomach, his hair as messy as someone would expect after a night like this. Harry had to resist the urge to run his hands through his husband’s unruly curls. He wanted to let Louis sleep as long as possible. It has been a long time since both of them had an entire night of rough love making.

Harry smiled to himself. Louis would make fun of him for using that term. _“Honey, we fucked. That’s what this was. Good old fooking.”_

“I should have a serious talk with Ann, did she never taught you that staring at people is rude. Especially when they are unconscious.” Harry shivered. Louis’ raspy morning voice could bring the dead back to life. “That rule doesn’t apply to people you love.” He leaned down to kiss Louis’ head. “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

Louis yawned and reached out his arm to touch Harry’s cheek. “How could I not, after a night like this. Honestly, I didn’t expect us to have such stamina. It was almost like we were teenagers again.” Harry moaned a little. Thinking back to what they did only a few hours ago made him half hard again.  It felt so right.

“It was surprising for me too. Not the stamina, but the fact that we found our old rhythm without even talking. Is that normal?” Louis hummed, while closing his eyes again. He could listen to Harry’s voice all day.

“Hey Lou, don’t fall asleep again. Please, I want to know.” He carefully stroked the older man’s head.

“Yeah. I hate talking during sex.” Harry laughed at that thought. “Yeah I know, big surprise. I know I usually talk a lot, but during sex I like to only listen to the little sounds you make. The moans and groans, the heavy breathing and even my naked skin slapping against yours.”

“It does sound a little gross when you say it, but I know what you mean. I like all that, too. And I’m not sure if this means anything, but I kinda knew what to do. What you liked and what not. It was as if we never stopped doing it.”

Louis could only agree. He had his doubts about having sex with Harry, still feeling like he was taking advantage of him. “I’m not sure either, but it was so different from last time. I mean it only has been a day since we last had sex, but this was something completely different. I felt so much closer to you.” He groaned, while sitting up, not only from the effort but also from his sappy words.

  
“Oh such sweet words from you. I’m shocked.” Harry mocked but couldn’t keep a straight face. Before he knew it, Louis slapped him with his pillow. “I don’t want to get up. I want to be with you here all day.” Harry said while snuggling his head against Louis' chest.

“That can be arranged.” He reached for his phone on the bedside table.

_Staying in bed all day, no interruptions please ;) Lou and Haz_

Alex was the first one to reply and Louis chuckled, showing Harry her answer.

_Open a window or you will suffocate from all the sex smells!_

“Only she would text something like this. That woman has no shame.” Both men still laughed when Louis phone lit up again, indicating a new text.

_“Text me if you need anything. Food, lube, condoms, anything. Lots of love, Carol”_

“I take everything back. Carol is even worse. I can’t believe it.” Harry buried his face in his hands. “What kinds of people are surrounding us?”

“The best honey, the best.” Louis gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. “As much I as I like the idea of not moving, but I have to get up. And we need breakfast. Last night took all the energy I had and I would like to repeat this.” Harry nodded and let Louis slip away with only a little grunt of protest. He would need to get up soon as well.

After a few minutes in the bathroom, Louis opened the door and looked into the bedroom. Harry hadn’t moved at all and he smiled fondly at him. “How about we take a shower together?“ He offered with a smirk. Only a second later, Harry stood in front of him. “I thought you'd never ask.”

~~~~~

“I can’t believe that you still drink this stuff.” Louis made a grimace as Harry swallowed a big sip of his green smoothie. “And I can’t believe that you still refuse to give it an honest try. And yes I know that the one time you said you tried one with Liam you actually had a chocolate milkshake.”

  
Both looked at each other in shock. Louis got up from his chair and took Harry in his arms. “You remember that?” Louis asked in disbelieve. “That was years ago.” Harry nodded and smiled widely. “You should be careful who you trust. Liam told me many things.”  Both He said kissing Louis' nose almost playfully.

This was a big step. It would start with little things, their doctors kept telling them. And it was possible that after that one day Harry would wake up and remember almost everything. “Let’s not get our hopes up, Lou. This could mean nothing. I still want to talk about a lot of things. And I still want to go through the journals.”

Louis agreed. But he wasn’t able to hide his excitement. He pressed their bodies even closer together, wanting to feel every inch of the man in front of him. He missed Harry so much over the last few months and now they are so close to being normal.

“Let’s go back to bed. I want to get naked and talk about out tattoos.” With that Harry untangled himself from Louis' grip and walked into their bedroom again. “Harry Styles, you are going to be the death of me.”

“It’s Tomlinson and you know it!” Of course it was. And Louis wouldn’t want it any other way.

“How do you wanna do this?” Louis asked unsure as they stood stark naked in front of each other. Normally that would mean sex, but this time Harry wanted to explore their bodies and it made Louis feel a little uncomfortable.

“I wrote a lot about our tattoos in my journals and I must say, we have been really clever, haven’t we. Inking ourselves to prove that we belong together without giving away too much.”

“We had no choice. And it was a great way. I hated tattoos, but you started and I liked the idea. Little did I know how passionate you are about it. I would have stopped after the dagger but no you kept going, so I had to obey.” Harry let his finger tips run slightly over Louis' skin.

“I like the _it is what it is_. It is so you.” He smiled. Louis bent down and kissed Harry’s diaphragm. As much as he loved all their nautical inks, the butterfly was one of his favourites.

When they saw the motives on paper both men knew they had to get them. The butterfly meant freedom and fragility. Two things that basically scream Harry’s name, in Louis' eyes.

“Tell me about this one.” Harry touched a picture of a rainbow coloured bear on his right arm.  I kept reading about the bears, but if I’m honest I don’t get it.” Louis looked as the slightly smaller bear on his own arm.

“RBB and SBB. The most brilliant thing we came up with. Unfortunately they got lost with my luggage one day. We tried everything to get them back, but I guess they now are living in a beautiful townhouse somewhere exotic.”

“Tell me their story.” Harry insisted and Louis moaned. He had his naked husband in front of him and he was supposed to talk about two teddy bears in leather gear? Great day, he thought to himself.

“Okay I will, but can we please snuggle up in bed or something? I’m getting cold and the temptation is getting unbearable. No pun intended.” He smirked. Without saying anything Harry grabbed Louis' hand and led them to their bed. This time he was the one to take the control, even though this was not leading to sex. He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Louis closer. Just like last night, Louis was half sitting on Harry’s legs. “I would like to do so much with you right now.” Louis breathed but Harry shook his head.

“Please just talk to me, please. I will make it up to you later. I promise. But for now I want to just talk. I don’t know how to explain it and you will probably think I’m crazy, but something changed last night. In my brain, I mean.” He looked down a little embarrassed, but Louis was not having any of that. He made Harry look him in the eyes. You might be right, that I don’t understand what you feel, but no matter what it is or how weird it might feel, please always share it with me. I want to know. And if there is anything that you think might help you, we will try it.”

“Tell me about the bears.” Harry whispered, still a little insecure. Louis got up and walked around the bed to get his phone. He then let himself fall onto the mattress, immediately puling Harry closer. He opened a folder on his phone which contained hundreds of pictures. All of two rainbow closured Teddy bears in leather gear.

The next hours are spent talking about outfits and camera angles and how it happened that the story of Larry Stylinson was told through stuffed animals. And they didn’t stop at this. Harry kept asking questions which meant Louis had to go far afield. They jumped from one story to another. From one memory to the next. From Bears to concerts to interviews to  fake dating. From fights to make ups. From family and friends to enemies and management.  Louis told him everything about their first time in the x-factor house. How nervous he was and how embarrassed when Liam told them to be not so loud while doing it. They watched the video diaries and laughed at each other’s hair.

Louis explained proudly how he convinced Ann to let Harry live with him and how crazy that time was, but how amazing it was to have the others around them. Harry asked about their tours and Louis kept drifting into the dirty part of this time. How many times the other boys walked in on them and that they made the rule of waiting at least ten seconds after knocking before they entered the bus. Not that ten seconds were enough, but it was a start.

“The first year with you was amazing. We still had to figure ourselves and each other out. I learned something new every day. About you and myself. You helped me coming to terms with who I am and I can’t tell you how grateful I still am for this.” 

Louis didn’t like it, but Harry wanted to know everything about the stunting and everything that came with that. Louis kept telling himself that this would help Harry, so he explained every stunt and all the fighting that came with them. He had to hold back a few tears while talking about their breakups, especially the one in 2016. It was the worst time for him and he hated to think back to it.

“I didn’t expect us to come out of this alive. I mean as a couple. We had been through many little break ups but we always found our way back to each other so easily.” He said with a shaking voice. “This was different. It felt so definite.”

“How did we fix it?” Harry asked eager. He didn’t like to see Louis so troubled. Louis took a deep breath. “Niall.” He said simply, but needed a moment to collect his thoughts.

“He called me and asked if we could meet up for a lads night and I was more than happy to see him again. Little did I know that he had asked you as well. So when I arrived at his house in LA he greeted me with his stupid grin and led me into the backyard.”

Finally Louis started to smile a little. “I was furious initially, but I decided not to ruin the evening by acting like a child. So I stepped closer to you to greet you. When I saw the warm smile on your face I hated myself even more. I was the one who messed up this time and I was sure you would never talk to me again. But instead you sat there and smiled at me like nothing had happened. You got up to greet me as well. We stood in front of each other for I don’t know how long. It was so awkward.” He sighed. “It was so us. Finally you took a step closer and slung your monkey arm around me.”

“Hey! Not fair, you are tiny. Everyone seems to be a giant besides you.”

“Haha. Anyways, you hugged me and it felt so good. I wanted to take in every bit I could get in the short time of the hug. And you seemed to feel the same. That’s pretty much it. We had a fun evening, Liam came by later as well and it was just like old times. As I was about to leave, you grabbed my arm and told me that you wanted to come with me. We drove to my place and talked all night. There was a lot we had to sort out, but at the end of the night you and I were a WE again.” Louis took Harry’s hand and played with the plane gold band on his ring finger. “That night I asked you if you would finally marry me. We had asked each other many times and in pretty much every bigger city on this planet, but it was never the right time. Now it was and I don’t regret a second of it.” They kissed and Harry felt like he didn’t want to let go of Louis.

“Tell me more. Anything. Don’t stop." 

They kept talking until Harry’s eyes started to get heavy. Louis kept stroking his head until he seemed to be asleep. He let himself sink down carefully into the pillow and closed his eyes.

“How did you get the chocolate stains out of the bears?” Harry mumbled and Louis just laughed.

“This is a story for another time. Sleep now.”


End file.
